shipperx: (sparklemotion)

One of the (few) pleasures of the Twilight series  (Meyer's horror, not Joss' horror) is the utter contempt its stars have for it.  Heh.  From EW.com:

“Look, there are a lot of moments when Edward sort of acts like a pussy,” Pattinson said.
“You can quote him on that!” Stewart laughed.

“My wife is dying, I have completely f—ed up my life and hers, and Jacob’s like [To Bella] ‘Hey, baby, you don’t look too bad to me,’” Pattinson said. “And I’m just sitting there, like, with a bucket collecting [Bella’s] vomit.

(Yeah, but what about the c-section by vampire teeth?  I've always wondered how in the hell they were going to glamourize that bit of WTF?!)

Re: the consummation/wedding night scene... 

“I bit through all the pillows. Every. Single. One,’” he laughed. “And then he’d start crying. By the way, that’s what he should be ashamed of in the morning. All those beautiful pillows! Egyptian cotton! ‘I ruined this bed!’”

shipperx: (sparklemotion)

One of the (few) pleasures of the Twilight series  (Meyer's horror, not Joss' horror) is the utter contempt its stars have for it.  Heh.  From EW.com:

“Look, there are a lot of moments when Edward sort of acts like a pussy,” Pattinson said.
“You can quote him on that!” Stewart laughed.

“My wife is dying, I have completely f—ed up my life and hers, and Jacob’s like [To Bella] ‘Hey, baby, you don’t look too bad to me,’” Pattinson said. “And I’m just sitting there, like, with a bucket collecting [Bella’s] vomit.

(Yeah, but what about the c-section by vampire teeth?  I've always wondered how in the hell they were going to glamourize that bit of WTF?!)

Re: the consummation/wedding night scene... 

“I bit through all the pillows. Every. Single. One,’” he laughed. “And then he’d start crying. By the way, that’s what he should be ashamed of in the morning. All those beautiful pillows! Egyptian cotton! ‘I ruined this bed!’”

shipperx: (sparklemotion)

One of the (few) pleasures of the Twilight series  (Meyer's horror, not Joss' horror) is the utter contempt its stars have for it.  Heh.  From EW.com:

“Look, there are a lot of moments when Edward sort of acts like a pussy,” Pattinson said.
“You can quote him on that!” Stewart laughed.

“My wife is dying, I have completely f—ed up my life and hers, and Jacob’s like [To Bella] ‘Hey, baby, you don’t look too bad to me,’” Pattinson said. “And I’m just sitting there, like, with a bucket collecting [Bella’s] vomit.

(Yeah, but what about the c-section by vampire teeth?  I've always wondered how in the hell they were going to glamourize that bit of WTF?!)

Re: the consummation/wedding night scene... 

“I bit through all the pillows. Every. Single. One,’” he laughed. “And then he’d start crying. By the way, that’s what he should be ashamed of in the morning. All those beautiful pillows! Egyptian cotton! ‘I ruined this bed!’”

shipperx: (sparklemotion)
Because it's come up in regards to Joss's brainfart crackfic  I thought that I'd link to some of the Sparkle Motion Awesome fandom put out regarding the original (and still cracky) S.Meyer Twilight Series:

[livejournal.com profile] cleolinda 's summary of the first book of Twilight, complete with a quote from the actual book that makes clear what level of purple prose to prepare for.

Actual quote from Twilight:

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.
[livejournal.com profile] stoney321 has her own excellent sporking of it With pictures!

[livejournal.com profile] shinga  has a great quickie summary  if you want the crackficcy rundown in five minutes or less (hilarity ensues)

[livejournal.com profile] tkp   does it in comic  format

If it's New Moon you're looking for because of the 'satire' BtVS cover (Um, where's the satire?  Right now it just looks like its ripping it off with name character replace)  here's Cleolinda's summary of New Moon The Book  and New Moon the Movie   (And, yes, if Joss's arc is to copy mock this, his arc is sooooooo gonna suck.) 

Of course the real crack doesn't kick in (not Twangel was a villain but oops now he's not but we don't know exactly how just trust us on this while Spike has a transdimensional space ship and we haven't forgotten that Dawn was a mecha centaur whatever the hell came after that either yo! crack, but crack nonetheless) doesn't really, really kick in until the final book  here and here  (read it and bust a gut laughing.)

And I really wish I could find that fanfic where Edward was this prim old maid knitting and harshing everyone's buzz(which was apparently a chat.  Elisi found the link so read it for the giggles!.  Oh, but there was the one where Harmony bitch slapped Bella around

shipperx: (sparklemotion)
Because it's come up in regards to Joss's brainfart crackfic  I thought that I'd link to some of the Sparkle Motion Awesome fandom put out regarding the original (and still cracky) S.Meyer Twilight Series:

[livejournal.com profile] cleolinda 's summary of the first book of Twilight, complete with a quote from the actual book that makes clear what level of purple prose to prepare for.

Actual quote from Twilight:

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.
[livejournal.com profile] stoney321 has her own excellent sporking of it With pictures!

[livejournal.com profile] shinga  has a great quickie summary  if you want the crackficcy rundown in five minutes or less (hilarity ensues)

[livejournal.com profile] tkp   does it in comic  format

If it's New Moon you're looking for because of the 'satire' BtVS cover (Um, where's the satire?  Right now it just looks like its ripping it off with name character replace)  here's Cleolinda's summary of New Moon The Book  and New Moon the Movie   (And, yes, if Joss's arc is to copy mock this, his arc is sooooooo gonna suck.) 

Of course the real crack doesn't kick in (not Twangel was a villain but oops now he's not but we don't know exactly how just trust us on this while Spike has a transdimensional space ship and we haven't forgotten that Dawn was a mecha centaur whatever the hell came after that either yo! crack, but crack nonetheless) doesn't really, really kick in until the final book  here and here  (read it and bust a gut laughing.)

And I really wish I could find that fanfic where Edward was this prim old maid knitting and harshing everyone's buzz(which was apparently a chat.  Elisi found the link so read it for the giggles!.  Oh, but there was the one where Harmony bitch slapped Bella around

shipperx: (sparklemotion)
Because it's come up in regards to Joss's brainfart crackfic  I thought that I'd link to some of the Sparkle Motion Awesome fandom put out regarding the original (and still cracky) S.Meyer Twilight Series:

[livejournal.com profile] cleolinda 's summary of the first book of Twilight, complete with a quote from the actual book that makes clear what level of purple prose to prepare for.

Actual quote from Twilight:

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.
[livejournal.com profile] stoney321 has her own excellent sporking of it With pictures!

[livejournal.com profile] shinga  has a great quickie summary  if you want the crackficcy rundown in five minutes or less (hilarity ensues)

[livejournal.com profile] tkp   does it in comic  format

If it's New Moon you're looking for because of the 'satire' BtVS cover (Um, where's the satire?  Right now it just looks like its ripping it off with name character replace)  here's Cleolinda's summary of New Moon The Book  and New Moon the Movie   (And, yes, if Joss's arc is to copy mock this, his arc is sooooooo gonna suck.) 

Of course the real crack doesn't kick in (not Twangel was a villain but oops now he's not but we don't know exactly how just trust us on this while Spike has a transdimensional space ship and we haven't forgotten that Dawn was a mecha centaur whatever the hell came after that either yo! crack, but crack nonetheless) doesn't really, really kick in until the final book  here and here  (read it and bust a gut laughing.)

And I really wish I could find that fanfic where Edward was this prim old maid knitting and harshing everyone's buzz(which was apparently a chat.  Elisi found the link so read it for the giggles!.  Oh, but there was the one where Harmony bitch slapped Bella around

shipperx: (Lost: Prettiest)
Old ship wars never die, they just repeat themselves. Endlessly. And in entirely new reiterations (which isn't as much of an oxymoron as you'd think!)

Who knows why we ship certain fictional couples. It has a lot to do with what entertains us, what intrigues us, what we think is hot, what we think could be interesting, what... Actually there are a lot of possible whats. It doesn't really matter what fic kink is the root of our attraction. Everyone is allowed theirs.

Not everyone feels the same way about these things. That's life... and love. It's only when people start to be judgmental about it that ship wars break out. Now, I admit there have been some fics that make me scratch my head and wonder "what the freaking hell?" And there have even been a few fics that make me want to reach for brain bleach to erase the memory of them (one particularly -- epically -- bizarre Supernatural fic I ran into once falls into that category.) But, you know, since they weren't my thing, I didn't spend a whole heck of a lot of time complaining about them or complaining about the way others spent their free time writing fic about stuff that doesn't happen to interest me. It only needed to interest them to be sufficient reason for the creation of fanfic.

There have been/are some fairly popular ships in many fandoms that I don't 'get.' I remember back in my X-Files fandom days, Krycek/Mulder was a hugely popular ship that I just. did. not. understand (beyond the obvious that Nic Lea and David Duchovny were incredibly, freaking hot. I was perplexed not dead). But I would always return to the sticking point of "Krycek murdered Mulder's father!" Same thing would happen to me when Krycek/Scully fic would pop up. I would wonder, 'but, wait, he murdered Scully's sister...') Still, you know, in all my not feeling the ships, I don't think I ever once wrote a screed saying I was viscerally horrified when Krycek/Mulder smut or Krycek/Scully smut popped up on Gossamer or Ephemeral. I would've thought that it would be pointless, silly, and possibly offensive to some authors if I posited that fans had no businesss writing or at least were morally questionable for writing such fics or how bothered I was to see it show up on general fandom comms! Mainly I didn't write such things because I didn't feel that way. My feelings were more easily categorized as a puzzled head tilt and a 'huh' before moving on to the Scully/Mulder MSR that I was watching the list for. (And I had a serious issues with the now departed fic comm mod (Not Ephemeral or Gossamer) that up and forbade Doggett fic -- not just Doggett/Scully fic but any mention of Doggett at all...because she felt it somehow in some inexplicable way threatened her ship. I thought the attitude was absurd and quit the comm over that display of 'how dare people ship stuff that I don't ship!' entitlement.) People's interests vary. Not everyone likes what I like or vice versa. No one need explain themselves to me.

Why can't it be that simple?

There have been/are canon and fanon ships in a number of fandoms that don't do a damn thing for me. There's a huge shipping faction in True Blood that falls into that category. I understand why some people ship it, but I just... don't. Just today I ran across a post in a Being Human comm of "Why aren't there more Mitchell/Annie fics?" which took me by surprise, not because anything was wrong with it but just because it never crossed my mind to ship Mitchell/Annie in the first place. I have friends that ship couples that I just shake my head, puzzled over what the attraction could be, because it doesn't interest me. Heck, in one (relatively popular) canon/fanon pairing in a non-BtVS fandom, I cannot manage to like the characters individually, making it doubly difficult to understand why there are people who ship them together. But, you know what? It doesn't matter. There's nothing wrong with either of us. It's just a matter of preference. Not everyone likes the same thing.

Where fic is concerned there are a near endless list of things that can be done with any ship. There are good, thought provoking, and engaging fics that can be constructed out of just about any pairing if the writer is talented and interested enough. And sometimes the writer's preference and the reader's preference hits that sweet spot of perfect agreement. When that happens, whee!!!

But proclaiming "thou shalt not write X+Y fic (or X+X or Y+Y) because I don't like it" or that "You are only permitted to write X+Y fic (or X+X or Y+Y) under a the conditions I specify and consider to be acceptable" is sadly common and completely ridiculous. Fanfic is made for fans to enjoy. If you aren't a fan of the ship, move the heck along. The fic isn't meant for you. Proclaiming that someone else can't/shouldn't write whatever ship they like because it doesn't float your boat? Out of line.

Now, someone point me to some "how could you write that?!" OTPp penguin fic! Hee! >:)
shipperx: (Lost: Prettiest)
Old ship wars never die, they just repeat themselves. Endlessly. And in entirely new reiterations (which isn't as much of an oxymoron as you'd think!)

Who knows why we ship certain fictional couples. It has a lot to do with what entertains us, what intrigues us, what we think is hot, what we think could be interesting, what... Actually there are a lot of possible whats. It doesn't really matter what fic kink is the root of our attraction. Everyone is allowed theirs.

Not everyone feels the same way about these things. That's life... and love. It's only when people start to be judgmental about it that ship wars break out. Now, I admit there have been some fics that make me scratch my head and wonder "what the freaking hell?" And there have even been a few fics that make me want to reach for brain bleach to erase the memory of them (one particularly -- epically -- bizarre Supernatural fic I ran into once falls into that category.) But, you know, since they weren't my thing, I didn't spend a whole heck of a lot of time complaining about them or complaining about the way others spent their free time writing fic about stuff that doesn't happen to interest me. It only needed to interest them to be sufficient reason for the creation of fanfic.

There have been/are some fairly popular ships in many fandoms that I don't 'get.' I remember back in my X-Files fandom days, Krycek/Mulder was a hugely popular ship that I just. did. not. understand (beyond the obvious that Nic Lea and David Duchovny were incredibly, freaking hot. I was perplexed not dead). But I would always return to the sticking point of "Krycek murdered Mulder's father!" Same thing would happen to me when Krycek/Scully fic would pop up. I would wonder, 'but, wait, he murdered Scully's sister...') Still, you know, in all my not feeling the ships, I don't think I ever once wrote a screed saying I was viscerally horrified when Krycek/Mulder smut or Krycek/Scully smut popped up on Gossamer or Ephemeral. I would've thought that it would be pointless, silly, and possibly offensive to some authors if I posited that fans had no businesss writing or at least were morally questionable for writing such fics or how bothered I was to see it show up on general fandom comms! Mainly I didn't write such things because I didn't feel that way. My feelings were more easily categorized as a puzzled head tilt and a 'huh' before moving on to the Scully/Mulder MSR that I was watching the list for. (And I had a serious issues with the now departed fic comm mod (Not Ephemeral or Gossamer) that up and forbade Doggett fic -- not just Doggett/Scully fic but any mention of Doggett at all...because she felt it somehow in some inexplicable way threatened her ship. I thought the attitude was absurd and quit the comm over that display of 'how dare people ship stuff that I don't ship!' entitlement.) People's interests vary. Not everyone likes what I like or vice versa. No one need explain themselves to me.

Why can't it be that simple?

There have been/are canon and fanon ships in a number of fandoms that don't do a damn thing for me. There's a huge shipping faction in True Blood that falls into that category. I understand why some people ship it, but I just... don't. Just today I ran across a post in a Being Human comm of "Why aren't there more Mitchell/Annie fics?" which took me by surprise, not because anything was wrong with it but just because it never crossed my mind to ship Mitchell/Annie in the first place. I have friends that ship couples that I just shake my head, puzzled over what the attraction could be, because it doesn't interest me. Heck, in one (relatively popular) canon/fanon pairing in a non-BtVS fandom, I cannot manage to like the characters individually, making it doubly difficult to understand why there are people who ship them together. But, you know what? It doesn't matter. There's nothing wrong with either of us. It's just a matter of preference. Not everyone likes the same thing.

Where fic is concerned there are a near endless list of things that can be done with any ship. There are good, thought provoking, and engaging fics that can be constructed out of just about any pairing if the writer is talented and interested enough. And sometimes the writer's preference and the reader's preference hits that sweet spot of perfect agreement. When that happens, whee!!!

But proclaiming "thou shalt not write X+Y fic (or X+X or Y+Y) because I don't like it" or that "You are only permitted to write X+Y fic (or X+X or Y+Y) under a the conditions I specify and consider to be acceptable" is sadly common and completely ridiculous. Fanfic is made for fans to enjoy. If you aren't a fan of the ship, move the heck along. The fic isn't meant for you. Proclaiming that someone else can't/shouldn't write whatever ship they like because it doesn't float your boat? Out of line.

Now, someone point me to some "how could you write that?!" OTPp penguin fic! Hee! >:)
shipperx: (Lost: Prettiest)
Old ship wars never die, they just repeat themselves. Endlessly. And in entirely new reiterations (which isn't as much of an oxymoron as you'd think!)

Who knows why we ship certain fictional couples. It has a lot to do with what entertains us, what intrigues us, what we think is hot, what we think could be interesting, what... Actually there are a lot of possible whats. It doesn't really matter what fic kink is the root of our attraction. Everyone is allowed theirs.

Not everyone feels the same way about these things. That's life... and love. It's only when people start to be judgmental about it that ship wars break out. Now, I admit there have been some fics that make me scratch my head and wonder "what the freaking hell?" And there have even been a few fics that make me want to reach for brain bleach to erase the memory of them (one particularly -- epically -- bizarre Supernatural fic I ran into once falls into that category.) But, you know, since they weren't my thing, I didn't spend a whole heck of a lot of time complaining about them or complaining about the way others spent their free time writing fic about stuff that doesn't happen to interest me. It only needed to interest them to be sufficient reason for the creation of fanfic.

There have been/are some fairly popular ships in many fandoms that I don't 'get.' I remember back in my X-Files fandom days, Krycek/Mulder was a hugely popular ship that I just. did. not. understand (beyond the obvious that Nic Lea and David Duchovny were incredibly, freaking hot. I was perplexed not dead). But I would always return to the sticking point of "Krycek murdered Mulder's father!" Same thing would happen to me when Krycek/Scully fic would pop up. I would wonder, 'but, wait, he murdered Scully's sister...') Still, you know, in all my not feeling the ships, I don't think I ever once wrote a screed saying I was viscerally horrified when Krycek/Mulder smut or Krycek/Scully smut popped up on Gossamer or Ephemeral. I would've thought that it would be pointless, silly, and possibly offensive to some authors if I posited that fans had no businesss writing or at least were morally questionable for writing such fics or how bothered I was to see it show up on general fandom comms! Mainly I didn't write such things because I didn't feel that way. My feelings were more easily categorized as a puzzled head tilt and a 'huh' before moving on to the Scully/Mulder MSR that I was watching the list for. (And I had a serious issues with the now departed fic comm mod (Not Ephemeral or Gossamer) that up and forbade Doggett fic -- not just Doggett/Scully fic but any mention of Doggett at all...because she felt it somehow in some inexplicable way threatened her ship. I thought the attitude was absurd and quit the comm over that display of 'how dare people ship stuff that I don't ship!' entitlement.) People's interests vary. Not everyone likes what I like or vice versa. No one need explain themselves to me.

Why can't it be that simple?

There have been/are canon and fanon ships in a number of fandoms that don't do a damn thing for me. There's a huge shipping faction in True Blood that falls into that category. I understand why some people ship it, but I just... don't. Just today I ran across a post in a Being Human comm of "Why aren't there more Mitchell/Annie fics?" which took me by surprise, not because anything was wrong with it but just because it never crossed my mind to ship Mitchell/Annie in the first place. I have friends that ship couples that I just shake my head, puzzled over what the attraction could be, because it doesn't interest me. Heck, in one (relatively popular) canon/fanon pairing in a non-BtVS fandom, I cannot manage to like the characters individually, making it doubly difficult to understand why there are people who ship them together. But, you know what? It doesn't matter. There's nothing wrong with either of us. It's just a matter of preference. Not everyone likes the same thing.

Where fic is concerned there are a near endless list of things that can be done with any ship. There are good, thought provoking, and engaging fics that can be constructed out of just about any pairing if the writer is talented and interested enough. And sometimes the writer's preference and the reader's preference hits that sweet spot of perfect agreement. When that happens, whee!!!

But proclaiming "thou shalt not write X+Y fic (or X+X or Y+Y) because I don't like it" or that "You are only permitted to write X+Y fic (or X+X or Y+Y) under a the conditions I specify and consider to be acceptable" is sadly common and completely ridiculous. Fanfic is made for fans to enjoy. If you aren't a fan of the ship, move the heck along. The fic isn't meant for you. Proclaiming that someone else can't/shouldn't write whatever ship they like because it doesn't float your boat? Out of line.

Now, someone point me to some "how could you write that?!" OTPp penguin fic! Hee! >:)

Twilight

Jan. 15th, 2010 09:01 pm
shipperx: (Spike - blimey sodding bollocks)
:
Twilight...

No, the other one. The one where the vampires sparkle. It's finally on On Demand, meaning that I didn't have to shell out money to see it, so I finally did.

Oh boy. It lives up to the parodies. It really is just that awful. Vampires playing baseball. OMG! (And the vampire dad is the hottest of the lot of really cheesy vampires. Seriously). It's a big ol' ball of LOL!

Twilight

Jan. 15th, 2010 09:01 pm
shipperx: (Spike - blimey sodding bollocks)
:
Twilight...

No, the other one. The one where the vampires sparkle. It's finally on On Demand, meaning that I didn't have to shell out money to see it, so I finally did.

Oh boy. It lives up to the parodies. It really is just that awful. Vampires playing baseball. OMG! (And the vampire dad is the hottest of the lot of really cheesy vampires. Seriously). It's a big ol' ball of LOL!

Twilight

Jan. 15th, 2010 09:01 pm
shipperx: (Spike - blimey sodding bollocks)
:
Twilight...

No, the other one. The one where the vampires sparkle. It's finally on On Demand, meaning that I didn't have to shell out money to see it, so I finally did.

Oh boy. It lives up to the parodies. It really is just that awful. Vampires playing baseball. OMG! (And the vampire dad is the hottest of the lot of really cheesy vampires. Seriously). It's a big ol' ball of LOL!
shipperx: (Dracula)
:
Under Nearly All Circumstances Vampires should not...

* Play football (see Vampire Diaries)
* Play baseball (see Twilight)
* In fact, they should simply avoid all team sports that involve practicing during daylight (This is especially true of 'heroic' vampires in high school sports because...You're a freaking vampire! You have super speed, super hearing, and sometimes you can fly. This counts as an unfair advantage when competing against normal high school kids. This then runs counter to being a mopey, angst-ridden, heroic pale vampire. It also makes you a big ol' cheat!)
* Sparkle (see Twilight)
* Trust 'V' addicts (see True Blood) (Seriously, you're a lifetime supply of hallucinagenic sex, so you think the addict is just going to keep you as a casual buddy?)
* Trust Body Theives (see Anne Rice) because if you offer a body thief an immortal beautiful body with super powers what are the odds that the thief will decide to keep it?! Moron.)
* Date 10th graders (even if they look 23). Seriously, can they expand their dating pool beyond high school? If you're over 100 you might appreciate conversation that doesn't revolve around who is going to the prom. Any vampire worth his/her salt Should go "Teenagers! Delicious, but I wouldn't want to date one."
* In fact, vampires shouldn't attend high school. Period. Vampire, why are you there? For the rest of us over a certain age, suddenly re-enrolling in high school Chem II is the stuff of sleep-deprived nightmares (usally involving inappropriate nudity and/or realizing that you haven't studied the subject of the pop-quiz ... for the last fifteen-plus years!) The regular kids who have to be there, want to be anywhere but there, so why, Vampire, are you inflicting this upon yourself on purpose?! (See... a whole heck of a lot of stuff, actually.)
shipperx: (Dracula)
:
Under Nearly All Circumstances Vampires should not...

* Play football (see Vampire Diaries)
* Play baseball (see Twilight)
* In fact, they should simply avoid all team sports that involve practicing during daylight (This is especially true of 'heroic' vampires in high school sports because...You're a freaking vampire! You have super speed, super hearing, and sometimes you can fly. This counts as an unfair advantage when competing against normal high school kids. This then runs counter to being a mopey, angst-ridden, heroic pale vampire. It also makes you a big ol' cheat!)
* Sparkle (see Twilight)
* Trust 'V' addicts (see True Blood) (Seriously, you're a lifetime supply of hallucinagenic sex, so you think the addict is just going to keep you as a casual buddy?)
* Trust Body Theives (see Anne Rice) because if you offer a body thief an immortal beautiful body with super powers what are the odds that the thief will decide to keep it?! Moron.)
* Date 10th graders (even if they look 23). Seriously, can they expand their dating pool beyond high school? If you're over 100 you might appreciate conversation that doesn't revolve around who is going to the prom. Any vampire worth his/her salt Should go "Teenagers! Delicious, but I wouldn't want to date one."
* In fact, vampires shouldn't attend high school. Period. Vampire, why are you there? For the rest of us over a certain age, suddenly re-enrolling in high school Chem II is the stuff of sleep-deprived nightmares (usally involving inappropriate nudity and/or realizing that you haven't studied the subject of the pop-quiz ... for the last fifteen-plus years!) The regular kids who have to be there, want to be anywhere but there, so why, Vampire, are you inflicting this upon yourself on purpose?! (See... a whole heck of a lot of stuff, actually.)
shipperx: (Dracula)
:
Under Nearly All Circumstances Vampires should not...

* Play football (see Vampire Diaries)
* Play baseball (see Twilight)
* In fact, they should simply avoid all team sports that involve practicing during daylight (This is especially true of 'heroic' vampires in high school sports because...You're a freaking vampire! You have super speed, super hearing, and sometimes you can fly. This counts as an unfair advantage when competing against normal high school kids. This then runs counter to being a mopey, angst-ridden, heroic pale vampire. It also makes you a big ol' cheat!)
* Sparkle (see Twilight)
* Trust 'V' addicts (see True Blood) (Seriously, you're a lifetime supply of hallucinagenic sex, so you think the addict is just going to keep you as a casual buddy?)
* Trust Body Theives (see Anne Rice) because if you offer a body thief an immortal beautiful body with super powers what are the odds that the thief will decide to keep it?! Moron.)
* Date 10th graders (even if they look 23). Seriously, can they expand their dating pool beyond high school? If you're over 100 you might appreciate conversation that doesn't revolve around who is going to the prom. Any vampire worth his/her salt Should go "Teenagers! Delicious, but I wouldn't want to date one."
* In fact, vampires shouldn't attend high school. Period. Vampire, why are you there? For the rest of us over a certain age, suddenly re-enrolling in high school Chem II is the stuff of sleep-deprived nightmares (usally involving inappropriate nudity and/or realizing that you haven't studied the subject of the pop-quiz ... for the last fifteen-plus years!) The regular kids who have to be there, want to be anywhere but there, so why, Vampire, are you inflicting this upon yourself on purpose?! (See... a whole heck of a lot of stuff, actually.)
shipperx: (Being Human Trio)

From EW.com:

For the first time in 40 years, The Harvard Lampoon will publish a parody novel, this time putting a tongue-in-cheek spin on Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling Twilight series. Random House’s Vintage Books plans to release Nightlight as a paperback original on Nov. 3, just in time for the Nov. 20 opening of the Twilight movie sequel New Moon. “‘Funny’ might get you a blog post these days, but it’s the Lampoon-level of satire that makes Nightlight worth every pseudo-bloodsucking, angst-ridden page,” says a Vintage press release. “Nightlight stakes at the heart of what makes Twilight tick…or, really, cuts to the core of it…. Brooding and hilarious, let Nightlight be your guide through the Twilight fandom that has eclipsed the mind of every teenager you have ever met.” The last Harvard Lampoon satirical novel, a J.R.R. Tolkien send-up titled Bored of the Rings, was published in 1969.

According to the Vintage release, Nightlight follows a “pale and klutzy” girl named Belle Goose, who moves to Switchblade, Oregon, and meets Edwart Mullen, a “super-hot computer nerd with zero interest in girls.” The vampire-obsessed Belle becomes convinced Edwart is one of the undead after witnessing events she considers otherworldly (”Edwart leaves his Tater Tots™ untouched at lunch! Edwart saves her from a flying snowball!”).

 
shipperx: (Being Human Trio)

From EW.com:

For the first time in 40 years, The Harvard Lampoon will publish a parody novel, this time putting a tongue-in-cheek spin on Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling Twilight series. Random House’s Vintage Books plans to release Nightlight as a paperback original on Nov. 3, just in time for the Nov. 20 opening of the Twilight movie sequel New Moon. “‘Funny’ might get you a blog post these days, but it’s the Lampoon-level of satire that makes Nightlight worth every pseudo-bloodsucking, angst-ridden page,” says a Vintage press release. “Nightlight stakes at the heart of what makes Twilight tick…or, really, cuts to the core of it…. Brooding and hilarious, let Nightlight be your guide through the Twilight fandom that has eclipsed the mind of every teenager you have ever met.” The last Harvard Lampoon satirical novel, a J.R.R. Tolkien send-up titled Bored of the Rings, was published in 1969.

According to the Vintage release, Nightlight follows a “pale and klutzy” girl named Belle Goose, who moves to Switchblade, Oregon, and meets Edwart Mullen, a “super-hot computer nerd with zero interest in girls.” The vampire-obsessed Belle becomes convinced Edwart is one of the undead after witnessing events she considers otherworldly (”Edwart leaves his Tater Tots™ untouched at lunch! Edwart saves her from a flying snowball!”).

 
shipperx: (Being Human Trio)

From EW.com:

For the first time in 40 years, The Harvard Lampoon will publish a parody novel, this time putting a tongue-in-cheek spin on Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling Twilight series. Random House’s Vintage Books plans to release Nightlight as a paperback original on Nov. 3, just in time for the Nov. 20 opening of the Twilight movie sequel New Moon. “‘Funny’ might get you a blog post these days, but it’s the Lampoon-level of satire that makes Nightlight worth every pseudo-bloodsucking, angst-ridden page,” says a Vintage press release. “Nightlight stakes at the heart of what makes Twilight tick…or, really, cuts to the core of it…. Brooding and hilarious, let Nightlight be your guide through the Twilight fandom that has eclipsed the mind of every teenager you have ever met.” The last Harvard Lampoon satirical novel, a J.R.R. Tolkien send-up titled Bored of the Rings, was published in 1969.

According to the Vintage release, Nightlight follows a “pale and klutzy” girl named Belle Goose, who moves to Switchblade, Oregon, and meets Edwart Mullen, a “super-hot computer nerd with zero interest in girls.” The vampire-obsessed Belle becomes convinced Edwart is one of the undead after witnessing events she considers otherworldly (”Edwart leaves his Tater Tots™ untouched at lunch! Edwart saves her from a flying snowball!”).

 

Twilight

Aug. 15th, 2008 09:15 am
shipperx: (Spangel - Soul Men)

Since I linked to a Twilight mocking fic last night, I thought that for the sake of posterity (er... which translates to "ease of my finding the stuff for the lulz in the future") I should link to some of the crack Twilight stuff wandering around the web.

What is Twilight? It's a young adult book series following the angsty romance of pain in the ass, Mary Sue, emo teen Bella and the 100+ year old virgin vampire who attends high school for no apparent reason Edward Cullen... who sparkles! I'm not kidding.

No, seriously:

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

I know! And that's not all. There's other cracktastic stuff in the novels, too!

Okay. Okay, I'm intending to archive not judge. ::composes self:: ahem.

* [livejournal.com profile] shinga does a hilarious play-by-play of the first novel

* [livejournal.com profile] tkp gives a summary in comic book format

* [livejournal.com profile] cleolinda gives her insights

* The publishers decide to compare Twilight to Harry Potter. So of course... there will be wank! (Harry Potter is involved. Of course there's wank)

* And they sell the movie rights, so Entertainment Weekly does a horrific cover story on Twilight

* And there are icons!

* [livejournal.com profile] cleolinda also summarizes: Book 2 - New Moon , Book 3 - Eclipse

And then... (Oh lord.) And then it turns into glorious crackfic! cleolinda's summary of Book 4 - Breaking Dawn It's insane!!! Spoilers for Breaking Dawn )

* So, yeah, the professional reviews? They are bad

* And there's wank! There must be wank!

* Cleolinda makes a wiki

* Finally, [livejournal.com profile] stoney321 reads the summaries and declares the series is Book of Mormon badfic! And now she promises to read the books and review them in context. Yay!

Twilight

Aug. 15th, 2008 09:15 am
shipperx: (Spangel - Soul Men)

Since I linked to a Twilight mocking fic last night, I thought that for the sake of posterity (er... which translates to "ease of my finding the stuff for the lulz in the future") I should link to some of the crack Twilight stuff wandering around the web.

What is Twilight? It's a young adult book series following the angsty romance of pain in the ass, Mary Sue, emo teen Bella and the 100+ year old virgin vampire who attends high school for no apparent reason Edward Cullen... who sparkles! I'm not kidding.

No, seriously:

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

I know! And that's not all. There's other cracktastic stuff in the novels, too!

Okay. Okay, I'm intending to archive not judge. ::composes self:: ahem.

* [livejournal.com profile] shinga does a hilarious play-by-play of the first novel

* [livejournal.com profile] tkp gives a summary in comic book format

* [livejournal.com profile] cleolinda gives her insights

* The publishers decide to compare Twilight to Harry Potter. So of course... there will be wank! (Harry Potter is involved. Of course there's wank)

* And they sell the movie rights, so Entertainment Weekly does a horrific cover story on Twilight

* And there are icons!

* [livejournal.com profile] cleolinda also summarizes: Book 2 - New Moon , Book 3 - Eclipse

And then... (Oh lord.) And then it turns into glorious crackfic! cleolinda's summary of Book 4 - Breaking Dawn It's insane!!! Spoilers for Breaking Dawn )

* So, yeah, the professional reviews? They are bad

* And there's wank! There must be wank!

* Cleolinda makes a wiki

* Finally, [livejournal.com profile] stoney321 reads the summaries and declares the series is Book of Mormon badfic! And now she promises to read the books and review them in context. Yay!

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