So, I posted The Hunger Games
meta, but I also followed the results of my poll and cracked open the X-Files DVDs. Wanting to go light, I chose War of the Coprophages
which, damn, is still
awesome. It's really too bad that Darin Morgan kind of whigged out and quit writing, because he had the weirdest, wonderful, funny writing going on.
I mean, sure, anyone could make an episode about killer cockroaches (but why?!) but to turn it into hilarious wierdness was his gift. The oddity of characters giving insanely overly detailed exposition on weird topics? Plus banter and MSR UST? He did it all.
Mulder: I know it's not your inclination but did you ever look up into the night sky and feel certain that not only was something up there but that it was looking down on you at that exact same moment and was just as curious about you as you are about it?
(Cut to Scully on the other end of the phone line...cleaning her gun.)
SCULLY: I think the only thing more fortuitous than the emergence of life on this planet is that through purely random laws of biological evolution, an intelligence as complex as ours ever emanated from it. (Puts her gun back together) The very idea of intelligent alien life is not only astronomically improbable but at it's downright anti-Darwinian.
MULDER: (beat) Scully, what are you wearing?
*snerk* Of course he was turned on.
Mulder calling Scully at home with whatever bizarre death he just stumbled across (He has theories...aliens! It must be aliens!... or killer cockroaches. *snerk*) Only to be shot down again and again.( Read more... )
[Next Phone Call]SCULLY:
(Laying on her sofa reading Breakfast at Tiffany's
)Who died now? MULDER:
The medical examiner. His body was found next to a toilet... covered in roaches. I really think you should come--SCULLY:
A toilet? Check his eyes. Is one of them bloodshot with a dilated pupil?MULDER:
(beat) Yeah. SCULLY:
It's probably a brain aneurysm. MULDER:
Brain aneurysm?! SCULLY:
Straining too forcefully is very common causation for bursting a brain aneurysm. MULDER:
Well (defensive now) how do you explain the cock roaches? SCULLY:
Did you catch any? MULDER:
[No.] Almost. SCULLY:
I don't know what to tell you, Mulder. I just hope you're not implying you've come across an infestation of killer cockroaches. [heh]
[Next Phone Call (skipping a few. The first half of the episode is a series of phone calls.]SCULLY:
(In bed, having been asleep) Mulder, are you okay? MULDER:
(also in bed) Yeah. I can't sleep. SCULLY:
What happened at the U.S.D.A. site? MULDER:
(a little put out) They're conducting legitimate experiments. (brightens) I met an entomologist, Doctor Berenbaum, who agrees with your theory of an accidental importation of a new cockroach species. SCULLY:
Did he give you any idea of how to catch them? MULDER:
No, but she did tell me everything else there is to know about insects. SCULLY:
Did you know that the ancient Egyptians worshiped the scarab beetle and possibly erected the pyramids to honor them, which may make them just giant symbolic dung heaps? SCULLY:
(Uninterested) Did you know the inventor of the flush toilet was named Thomas Crapper? MULDER:
Bambi also has this theory I've never come acro--SCULLY:
Doctor Berenbaum. Anyway, her theory is-- SCULLY:
Her name is Bambi? MULDER:
Yeah. Both her parents were naturalists. Anyway, her theory is that UFOs are nocturnal insect swarms passing through electrical field--. SCULLY: Her name is Bambi? MULDER:
Scully, can I confess something to you?SCULLY:
Yeah, sure. Okay. MULDER:
I hate insects. SCULLY:
Lots of people are afraid of insects. It's a natural instinct. MULDER:
No, I'm not afraid
of them. I hate them. When I was a kid, I was climbing this tree when I noticed this leaf walking towards me. It took forever for me to realize that it wasn't a leaf.SCULLY:
A praying mantis? MULDER:
Yeah. I had a praying mantis epiphany and, as a result, I screamed... not a girlie scream, but the scream of someone confronted by some unknown monster that had no right existing on the same planet that I inhabited. SCULLY:
Mulder, are you sure it wasn't a girlie scream?
Cock roach runs across the entire television screen (looking like it's on
the viewer's television screen)( Read more... )
And the episode coda:
SHERIFF: I don't think we're going to locate the doctor's remains.
MULDER: Or anything else, for that matter.
SHERIFF: It's not as bad as some of the other fires we had last night.
SCULLY: There were others?
SHERIFF: Four, to be exact. Plus eighteen auto accidents, thirteen assault and batteries, two stores were looted, thirty-six injuries all total, half of them from insecticide poisoning. But, we didn't receive reports on cockroaches or otherwise for the last couple of hours. Maybe this town's finally come to its senses. You two ought to go home and get some rest.
PROFESSOR IVANOV: Agent Mulder? Those, segments you showed me earlier, may I examine them again?
MULDER: (Pulls out small bag) They're completely desiccated just like the molted exoskeleton.
BAMBI: You know, many insects don't develop wings until their last molting stage. Perhaps whatever these things were, they had their final molt and have flown off back to wherever they originated.
SCULLY: Yeah (Doubtful) That would explain everything.
(Mulder shoots her a 'look'.)
IVANOV: May I borrow for further study?
MULDER:(shrugs) What do you hope to find ?
BAMBI: (fascinated by IVANOV) His destiny.
IVANOV: Isn't that what Doctor Zaius said to Zira at the end of "The Planet of the Apes?"
(Bambi nods. Smiling.)
BAMBI: It's one of my favorite movies.
IVANOV: Mine too. I love science fiction.
BAMBI: (To IVANOV) I'm fascinated by your research. (She and the doctor head off.) Have you ever considered programming robots to mimic the behavior of social insects like ants or bees?
IVANOV: As a matter of fact, I have...
(Mulder watches saddened and a little peeved.)
SCULLY: (Noticing) Smart is sexy.
(Mulder shoots her another 'look.')
SCULLY:Think of it this way. By the time there's another invasion of artificially-intelligent, dung-eating robotic probes from outer space, maybe their uber-children will have devised a way to save our planet...
(Aggravated, Mulder takes the umbrella and leaves...)
Heh. When the X-Files was good, it could be exceedingly fun. :)