shipperx | Heh! History Rant (Reply)

This dude's history rant probably amused me more than it should've, but I lol'd:

From some dude on d-kos:

That's it. I'm done. A line has been crossed.

I was fine when they took Thomas Paine. I accepted it, even though I said quietly to my closest friends "You know Thomas Paine proposed early versions of what would today be called socialism." He was so socialist he suggested an early version of Social Security. I put up with it when Glenn Beck titled his book "Common Sense" without reading the fucking pamphlet "Common Sense." Not a book, even! It's just a pamphlet!

I put up with it while they started dressing up like and invoking the names of the founding fathers, even though George Washington was a member of the Landed Gentry, Liberal Elite, who said "You know, Tom, there might be something to this Deism thing." He was not some backwoods man of the people with a musket.

I understand that this is difficult. It's difficult!

It's difficult understanding that Thomas Jefferson was a Deist who rewrote the bible to exclude all references to divinity, and slept with his wife's half-sister because he had a bad case of jungle fever and was kind of an asshole.

It's difficult understanding that Benny Franklin was in love with France, including French Wine, French Philosophers, and French Prostitutes. He was an alcoholic sex addict who fucking loved France, and liked to walk around naked and take "Air Baths." So he was a nudist, alcoholic, sex addict francophile, with connections to all sorts of bizarre secret societies and occultists (It's hard to get into this history, unfortunately, without running into illuminati new world order conspiracy theory bullshit which tin foil hat conspiracists love). Benjamin Franklin is kind of a hero of mine, crazy brilliant lewd old man, who thought that people should fart proudly.

My point is, these were VERY complicated men. They were very difficult to take as a whole. They had complex ideas and complex life stories. Their writings are archaic and difficult to understand. In High School History, it's not standard to discuss the more controversial beliefs of the founding fathers. It's traditional and common to discuss FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOM! AMERICA! LIBERTY! DOWN WITH TYRANNY! and all the other Tea Party Talking Points.

I understand that you have to be a history fan to understand these things so I can deal with them taking the beliefs of these men out of context, and simplifying and deifying them.

But what is not complex is Paul Revere. You can't look at his myriad writings and letters and say "Oh no! Paul Revere didn't actually believe this. He's different from how the stories cast him." His story is so simple there are fucking first reader versions! Paul Revere is one of dozens of men and at least one girl, who went on rides to warn the minute men to assemble.

They didn't warn the British.

They didn't tell people to hide their guns.

They told people to get their guns. They said "HEY GUYS! GET YO SHIT! THE MUTHAFUCKIN BRITISH!!"

Paul Revere didn't even complete his ride. He was captured before he could do it. The only reason he's remembered is because his name was easiest to rhyme, and he had the virtue of not being a 16 year old girl. But none of that's important. Because it's history. I'm not talking about History. I'm talking about the story that every schoolchild knows. I'm talking about "Listen my children and you will hear." I'm talking about "One if by land, Two if by sea." I'm talking about asking a school child "What did Paul Revere say" and getting the response "The British are Coming! The British are Coming!"

Why would Paul Revere say "HEY YOU GUYS ARE COMING!" to the British unless he was having sex with them?!:

*snicker*