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shipperxSince I linked to a Twilight mocking fic last night, I thought that for the sake of posterity (er... which translates to "ease of my finding the stuff for the lulz in the future") I should link to some of the crack Twilight stuff wandering around the web.
What is Twilight?
It's a young adult book series following the angsty romance of pain in the ass, Mary Sue, emo teen Bella and the 100+ year old virgin vampire who attends high school for no apparent reason Edward Cullen... who sparkles! I'm not kidding.
No, seriously:
Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.
I know! And that's not all. There's other cracktastic stuff in the novels, too!
Okay. Okay, I'm intending to archive not judge. ::composes self:: ahem.
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shinga does a hilarious play-by-play of the first novel
* tkp gives a summary in comic book format
* cleolinda gives her insights
* The publishers decide to compare Twilight to Harry Potter. So of course... there will be wank! (Harry Potter is involved. Of course there's wank)
* And they sell the movie rights, so Entertainment Weekly does a horrific cover story on Twilight
* And there are icons!
* cleolinda also summarizes: Book 2 - New Moon , Book 3 - Eclipse
And then... (Oh lord.) And then it turns into glorious crackfic! cleolinda's summary of Book 4 - Breaking Dawn It's insane!!!
- A sparkle wedding
- an
abusivehoneymoon on a private island- insta-pregnacy!
- with a demon death baby!
- Who kills Bella while in utero!
- And is delivered by vampire (teeth!) c-section!
- And she SORASes! (Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome)
- While Bella is turned into the
most Mary Suebestest vampire ever!
And did I mention finding true love with Toddlers? Because I totally should. Cannot possibly leave that part out!
* So, yeah, the professional reviews? They are bad
* And there's wank! There must be wank!
* Finally, stoney321 reads the summaries and declares the series is Book of Mormon badfic! And now she promises to read the books and review them in context. Yay!
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Date: 2008-08-15 08:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-15 08:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-15 11:33 pm (UTC)The vampires play baseball? Whuhhhhh?
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Date: 2008-08-16 03:56 am (UTC)The only thing that holds me back is if I had to read too many descriptions of his "scintillating arms" my brain my explode (What in the frell are arms doing being scintillating?!)
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Date: 2008-08-16 03:57 am (UTC)drag queenvampiric look!Hee!
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Date: 2008-08-16 03:59 am (UTC)Still nothing -- NO-THING -- will ever top his performing c-section by vampire bite! Who the hell thinks up something like that?! It's... it's... kinda crack!fic awesome (in a I'm sure she didn't mean it in a hilarious 'are you on drugs?!' but you know she didn't mean it to be funny way!
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Date: 2008-08-16 09:59 pm (UTC)*and I weep, because I can't even get an agent to accept my book...*
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Date: 2008-08-18 02:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-19 01:39 am (UTC)