Vampires Should Not...
Dec. 15th, 2009 07:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shipperx:
Under Nearly All Circumstances Vampires should not...
* Play football (see Vampire Diaries)
* Play baseball (see Twilight)
* In fact, they should simply avoid all team sports that involve practicing during daylight (This is especially true of 'heroic' vampires in high school sports because...You're a freaking vampire! You have super speed, super hearing, and sometimes you can fly. This counts as an unfair advantage when competing against normal high school kids. This then runs counter to being a mopey, angst-ridden, heroic pale vampire. It also makes you a big ol' cheat!)
* Sparkle (see Twilight)
* Trust 'V' addicts (see True Blood) (Seriously, you're a lifetime supply of hallucinagenic sex, so you think the addict is just going to keep you as a casual buddy?)
* Trust Body Theives (see Anne Rice) because if you offer a body thief an immortal beautiful body with super powers what are the odds that the thief will decide to keep it?! Moron.)
* Date 10th graders (even if they look 23). Seriously, can they expand their dating pool beyond high school? If you're over 100 you might appreciate conversation that doesn't revolve around who is going to the prom. Any vampire worth his/her salt Should go "Teenagers! Delicious, but I wouldn't want to date one."
* In fact, vampires shouldn't attend high school. Period. Vampire, why are you there? For the rest of us over a certain age, suddenly re-enrolling in high school Chem II is the stuff of sleep-deprived nightmares (usally involving inappropriate nudity and/or realizing that you haven't studied the subject of the pop-quiz ... for the last fifteen-plus years!) The regular kids who have to be there, want to be anywhere but there, so why, Vampire, are you inflicting this upon yourself on purpose?! (See... a whole heck of a lot of stuff, actually.)
Under Nearly All Circumstances Vampires should not...
* Play football (see Vampire Diaries)
* Play baseball (see Twilight)
* In fact, they should simply avoid all team sports that involve practicing during daylight (This is especially true of 'heroic' vampires in high school sports because...You're a freaking vampire! You have super speed, super hearing, and sometimes you can fly. This counts as an unfair advantage when competing against normal high school kids. This then runs counter to being a mopey, angst-ridden, heroic pale vampire. It also makes you a big ol' cheat!)
* Sparkle (see Twilight)
* Trust 'V' addicts (see True Blood) (Seriously, you're a lifetime supply of hallucinagenic sex, so you think the addict is just going to keep you as a casual buddy?)
* Trust Body Theives (see Anne Rice) because if you offer a body thief an immortal beautiful body with super powers what are the odds that the thief will decide to keep it?! Moron.)
* Date 10th graders (even if they look 23). Seriously, can they expand their dating pool beyond high school? If you're over 100 you might appreciate conversation that doesn't revolve around who is going to the prom. Any vampire worth his/her salt Should go "Teenagers! Delicious, but I wouldn't want to date one."
* In fact, vampires shouldn't attend high school. Period. Vampire, why are you there? For the rest of us over a certain age, suddenly re-enrolling in high school Chem II is the stuff of sleep-deprived nightmares (usally involving inappropriate nudity and/or realizing that you haven't studied the subject of the pop-quiz ... for the last fifteen-plus years!) The regular kids who have to be there, want to be anywhere but there, so why, Vampire, are you inflicting this upon yourself on purpose?! (See... a whole heck of a lot of stuff, actually.)
no subject
Date: 2009-12-16 01:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-17 01:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-17 02:52 am (UTC)Also, LOL to the Body Thief addition above.
And Re: the high school thing. That never made sense to me about Twilight. At least on Vampire Diaries, Stefan only goes to school so he can meet Elena. I guess if the girl you want is in high school (and WHY do you want her again?) that's the best place to meet her. Damon doesn't go to high school. He just picks up 16 year olds for sex and blood and then mindwipes them. :)