shipperx | My Issues With Insatiable Let Me Show You Them

Dracula's biological son would have to be how old, exactly? (Googling: Vlad died in 1476, so at the absolute least he'd have to be over 530 years old). So, this book is telling me that a 530+ year old vampire fell ass over teakettle in love (to the point of risking his empire and his life) with a 20-something woman on the first date?! No, wait, a date implies it was planned before hand. That's not the case. This vampire falls in love with the woman who shows up late for an unplanned dinner party and following the dessert course he's breaking into a museum to show her pictures of dear old Dad Vlad Tepes! After approximately 530 years of unlife... he can fall in love in space two hours at a Manhattan dinner party!!!

So after first date ~~after dinner~~ sex, she wakes up to his making her breakfast! Sure, he doesn't eat breakfast. Hell, he's a freaking prince. Back in Romania he lives in a castle and has servants, but after a ONS...er... soulmatey first date sex he wakes up the next morning to cook breakfast for her, because of course he doesn't eat. But that didn't stop him from learning how to make pancakes and bacon which... how did he get the ingredients anyway? We were privvy to his thoughts the evening before when he thought about the fact that he only had blood in his fridge. So, after a night of great sex, he wakes up before dawn to run out to a 24-hour quickmart to buy the makings for pancakes for breakfast... pancakes his 530 years-since-eating self knows how to make perfectly for the very first human woman that he's ever loved? That he met less than 8 hours ago?

Oh, but why stop at breakfast? The day after first date sex he sends her a gift. Not just any gift, mind you, but a $5000 designer purse! And not just any $5000 designer purse, but the exact $5000 purse that the heroine lusted after in chapter 1 but has never, ever told him about (because she only met him at a dinner party last night)! He's just that magical, folks. Magical enough to know exactly which $5000 designer purse to order the day after first date sex. Day... Hmm... wait, but he's a vampire, right? You mean he's so ass over tea kettle in luuuuuurve after first date sex that during the daytime hours the very next day (day. sunlight. hmmm) he arranged to go shopping for a $5000 designer tote?! I mean, we haven't been introduced to an assistant or go-for. But he got the purse, so did he go shopping during the day? Did he call the store? They just sent over a $5000 purse because of an over-the-phone purchase from a Romanian 'professor'? Does a 530 year old Romanian Vampire have American Express?

Back up to pre-first date sex. The part where after dessert he ~~breaks into~~ takes her on an after hours tour of the Metropolitan Museum of Art (What? Where are the alarms? Did he bribe folks... on short notice? He didn't know her two hours ago. Did he break in? How did he do this? Isn't this the tiniest bit suspicious? Hello! Heroine! Think you might be curious about these details?). Anyway, he takes her to see the portrait of Vlad the Impaler. Now, despite the fact that the heroine has been bitching about vampires since the first page of the novel, and despite later revealing that she's not only read Drucula but has a copy of Bram Stoker's Dracula in her bedroom, when vampire dude takes her to the museum to see Romania's 'hero' Vlad Tepes she never, ever, ever makes the connection that Vlad Tepes = Vlad the Impaler = Dracula. Seriously, if she's bitching this much about Stoker's Dracula and bitching about her having write about vampires for her soap opera, shouldn't she be at least marginally aware that Dracula = Vlad the Impaler?

Speaking of her soap opera, the guy auditioning for the role of the vampire on her soap opera is (gasp) also a vampire... Wait a minute. He's auditioning in the middle of the day. Isn't he also supposed to be allergic to the sun? Hello! Vampire! And, honestly, a day job filming a soap? Might that be a tiny bit inconvenient? What if there are location shoots?

Okay, enough with the vampires for the moment (but I'll come back to them). Let's get to the vampire hunter, the guy going around lecturing women on their bad life choices regarding vampires. Because he's the 'good guy.' Right? He's the good guy who upon meeting the heroine, strips off her shirt to search for vampire bites. Against her will. (The searching, not the vampire bites). Oh, but that's not all. Upon inspiration of other possible locations of vampire bites, over her protests, he wrestles her to the bed and pulls up her skirt so that he can search her upper inner thigh... while she's screaming STOP! Yeah, and it's the vampire who is coming off as sexist here. Seriously, at this point, Vampire Hunter = asshole for me.

Especially since he's sexually aroused by manhandling and lecturing the woman. Oh, he doesn't think highly of the heroine -- you know as in respect -- what with her vampire boffing on the first date and all. But of course just like the vampire who fell in love with her within hours of meeting her, the Vampire Hunter is immediately in lust with the vampire boffing...well, he doesn't call her a whore, but he comes darn clase. More than once. And he thinks women are pretty stupid to vampire boff. But that doesn't stop him from salivating with lust over the heroine... because I guess that though she's boyfriendless and having recently been dumped, she's absolutely magical enough that not only does she get a 530+ year old vampire to fall in love with her almost on sight, she also has a Vatican-employed Vampire Hunter lusting after her immediately, to the point that not even twenty-four hours after meeting her he's also falling under her spell of isn't-she-wonderful-I-think-I-may-love-her. Which is pretty impressive considering...

Well, see after meeting her, manhandling her (in front of her BROTHER no less. Oh yes, no only does every woman dream of being manhandled by a stranger wrestling her onto her bed and yanking up her skirt to search her upper inner thigh, but it makes it sooooo much better than he does this while her brother is there to witness it. Oh and the brother only manages a protest of approximately "hey!" to this stranger forcibly manhandling his sister while on top of her, yanking up her skirt and exposing her upper inner thigh). Anyway, after doing all this, vampire hunter destroys her cell phone, her regular phone, and locks her in her bedroom while vampire hunter and brother watch tv. (Nice, huh?)

But wait, it gets ~~worse~~ better. While locked in her room, the vampire appears on her eleventh floor balcony to talk to her. Oh, but, after appearing on her eleventh floor balcony he doesn't say "I'm a vampire" and is surprised when in mid conversation she announces that she knows he's a vampire. Erm...hey! He appeared on her eleventh floor balcony! Unless he's Tom Cruise and this is Mission Impossible, I would think that it would be a pretty freaking huge clue that SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON HERE! He has no right at all to be surprised that she then tells him that she knows he's a vampire. He flew to her eleventh floor balcony!

So did I mention that the heroine can see death? Or rather, she can see when and how people will die. So, before the vampire flew to her eleventh floor balcony 'just to talk', she 'saw' that the vampire would kill both the vampire hunter and her brother. Granted, the vampire hunter had just sexually harassed her and the brother had stood by and watched with barely a protest. And the vampire hunter and the brother had locked this adult woman in her bedroom. But, when the vampire arrived on her eleventh floor balcony after being really pissed that he didn't tell her that he was a vampire, she had sex with him while her brother and the vampire hunter were watching TV in the next room! (And even though the dog started barking -- as always -- as soon as the vampire arrived. So much for a vampire slayers keen senses). So, okay, at that point she's telling the vampire that she's afraid that her brother and the vampire hunter may kill him and she's telling him that he will kill the vampire slayer and her brother. And then she has sex with him, while the vampire slayer and her brother are in the next room. What? No potential problems there! No potential for murderous misunderstandings. Of course! Te way to avoid possible death for any of the three that she thinks may kill each other is to have sex with only an apartment door between the entities who will kill each other!! It makes perfect sense!

Okay, the vampire being a gentlemanly vampire and all, flew out the window before dawn. He must have because when she went in for breakfast no one was the wiser... until the vampire hunter manhandled her again to find the bite on her neck because vampire hunter = not at all gentlemanly. Anyway, this all leads to the point I reached before making my post about whether I should stop reading this book or not...

Heroine, vampire hunter, and brother go to a restaurant in the middle of the day. Soap Opera Vampire (who is really a vampire) shows up (again... isn't this the middle of the day? Is this dude taking advantage of a subway system? Does he have his path marked out so he doesn't have to go into the light of day?) Anyway, Soap Opera Vampire shows up for his own lunch date or something and vampire hunter takes off after him with his huge honking sword -- WAIT A MINUTE! Vampire hunter, brother, and heroine had been sitting down eating an order of chicken wings. Where in the freaking HELL did this huge honking sword come from? What, when vampire hunter swashbuckled into a restaurant in Manahattan no one noticed a HUGE HONKING SWORD? No one said, hold up a moment. That's an unusual accessory to be carrying around. No one noticed that a man had been sitting at a table with a huge honking sword? No one was concerned??? And when the man jumps up, brandishing a huge honking sword at a soap opera star, no one starts screaming "OMG insane stalker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?! Terrorist! Maniac! Crazy man with a broadsword!!!" They just give him some quizzical looks? When he's brandishing his... wait, wait, wait, are we saying that Senor Sticky (yes, he's named his sword) is a freaking SWORD???! WTH? He's a vampire hunter. Shouldn't Senor Sticky be a STAKE? And if Senor Sticky is a sword, isn't it misnamed? (And I see what you did there ripping off BTVS) Unless Acathla is around having opened a portal to a hell dimension, sticking a vampire with a sword does no good! If you're using a sword, you should be swiping it to decapitate. Shouldn't said sword be dubbed "Monsieur Guillotine" instead? And OMG if I'm debating all this while reading this book is SOOOOOO not working for me!

Oh! Oh! I forgot. And why is gentlemanly vampire so different from other vampires? Because he thinks his mom was just a such a pure, perfect (suicidal) angel. Perhaps, a real, bonafide (suicidal) angel! Who married Vlad the Impaler... and loved him. Vlad the Impaler and an angel. Makes perfect sense. Except the part if this makes vampire hero so gentlemanly, why didn't it do the same for his brother who is also a vampire? Huh?