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shipperxHuh. You never know what folks will spring on you.
My mother went back to our old hometown (iow, the town where I grew up) for a few days this week and while there she visited my uncle. The relation being this: the widower of my mother's sister. He's the only one left on my mother's side of the family, albeit he's not a relative by blood. Still, he was married to my aunt for some forty years and thus is now and forever and always my uncle, despite his having remarried years ago.
And that's the 'huh.'
A couple of years after my Aunt's death, my Uncle remarried.
At the time, he was still quite active and you could tell that he craved companionship. My aunt, never an easy person in the best of times, had been chronically ill (Sjogren's syndrome + anorexia) for decades then critically ill for years with my uncle playing the role of placator and caretaker. A couple of years after my aunt's death, he began dating and quickly married another woman.
At the time, my part of the family was somewhat dismayed, not by the remarriage or that he would wish to remarry (my aunt had been both ill and difficult forever. We wished him happy) but who he had chosen to marry. The lady he had chosen was... um... rather frighteningly like my aunt (not in looks or style, but in personality and circumstances. Both my aunt and his new wife were VERY difficult people and both chronically ill.) We kept thinking that, well, Uncle was still a healthy man who enjoyed doing things and...er...was he sure about this? Honestly, this lady...well... she set off alarm bells. (To be perfectly honest we wondered a bit if after decades of my aunt's demanding manner and substantial health needs, this had grown to feel like what love 'felt like' for him, or something. Maybe he needed to be a caretaker to feel needed...? ) We pretty much wondered aloud to him whether he should wait, get to know this woman better, etc. But, he rushed into marrying her and, well, IMHO she married him for his money and that was all. On the heels of marrying him (a matter of less than three months) she moved to Minnesota 'for her (adult) children.' Now, she was someone who logged around an oxygen tank with her wherever she went, we weren't exactly sure that a place with that sort of snow would be all that preferable climate for her, but her adult kids lived there, so... okay. My uncle bought her a (very nice) home in Minnesota, but, well, her family never made him (at all) welcome and within a few months he was back to living in my old hometown in the home he'd shared with my aunt, and he would 'visit' the new wife occasionally (increasingly rarely as the years went on), while paying her morgage on her new home, her homeowner's association fees (to the tune of $900 a month), and attached her to his health insurance coverage. etc.
In the last eight years, she has visited him... never. And, while mother would've counseled him to divorce the woman already, my Uncle is devoutly Catholic (more so with age) and would never ever, ever divorce. Period. (We even questioned whether he could annul the marriage within the church since the woman pretty literally married him and left for Minnesota, doing little but siphoning support from my Uncle).
My uncle is a sweet guy. He's always been my favorite uncle. And he was a godsend when my father died this spring. He met us, went to the funeral home with us to help make arrangements, etc. He was there for us and tried to help and emotionally support my mother, my sister, and myself however he could, etc. He's a good guy. (He was looking sadeningly frail, however. He was married to my mother's older sister and is now in his mid-80s). You would never know by the way he's treated my parents (or my grandparents when they were alive) that they were his in-laws.
Anyway, while Mom was down there, she of course visited my uncle and, while there, asked about his wife only for him to offhandedly mention "Oh, she died last spring."
Buh-wuh?
Apparently, she died not long before my father did, but my Uncle had never mentioned it to us -- or to anyone, really. He said that late this summer he had gone up to Minnesota to clean up her house and place it on the market for sale (this is how my Mom discovered the $900 monthly homeowner's association fee (WTF?!!) This must've been some gated community that did landscape upkeep and had amenities for that sort of fee.) He's selling it furnished.
Can't say I feel much. I met her twice and have spent most of the last decade believing she was shamelessly exploiting my Uncle. But it's just...weird to me that even while my Uncle was being so supportive to us during my father's passing, his wife had just died. (To be honest my Uncle was probably closer to -- and goodness knows my Dad was a hell of a lot nicer to him -- than this woman, who had so separated herself from my Uncle to such a degree that no one in his family knew -- or much cared -- that she had died... months ago.
My mother went back to our old hometown (iow, the town where I grew up) for a few days this week and while there she visited my uncle. The relation being this: the widower of my mother's sister. He's the only one left on my mother's side of the family, albeit he's not a relative by blood. Still, he was married to my aunt for some forty years and thus is now and forever and always my uncle, despite his having remarried years ago.
And that's the 'huh.'
A couple of years after my Aunt's death, my Uncle remarried.
At the time, he was still quite active and you could tell that he craved companionship. My aunt, never an easy person in the best of times, had been chronically ill (Sjogren's syndrome + anorexia) for decades then critically ill for years with my uncle playing the role of placator and caretaker. A couple of years after my aunt's death, he began dating and quickly married another woman.
At the time, my part of the family was somewhat dismayed, not by the remarriage or that he would wish to remarry (my aunt had been both ill and difficult forever. We wished him happy) but who he had chosen to marry. The lady he had chosen was... um... rather frighteningly like my aunt (not in looks or style, but in personality and circumstances. Both my aunt and his new wife were VERY difficult people and both chronically ill.) We kept thinking that, well, Uncle was still a healthy man who enjoyed doing things and...er...was he sure about this? Honestly, this lady...well... she set off alarm bells. (To be perfectly honest we wondered a bit if after decades of my aunt's demanding manner and substantial health needs, this had grown to feel like what love 'felt like' for him, or something. Maybe he needed to be a caretaker to feel needed...? ) We pretty much wondered aloud to him whether he should wait, get to know this woman better, etc. But, he rushed into marrying her and, well, IMHO she married him for his money and that was all. On the heels of marrying him (a matter of less than three months) she moved to Minnesota 'for her (adult) children.' Now, she was someone who logged around an oxygen tank with her wherever she went, we weren't exactly sure that a place with that sort of snow would be all that preferable climate for her, but her adult kids lived there, so... okay. My uncle bought her a (very nice) home in Minnesota, but, well, her family never made him (at all) welcome and within a few months he was back to living in my old hometown in the home he'd shared with my aunt, and he would 'visit' the new wife occasionally (increasingly rarely as the years went on), while paying her morgage on her new home, her homeowner's association fees (to the tune of $900 a month), and attached her to his health insurance coverage. etc.
In the last eight years, she has visited him... never. And, while mother would've counseled him to divorce the woman already, my Uncle is devoutly Catholic (more so with age) and would never ever, ever divorce. Period. (We even questioned whether he could annul the marriage within the church since the woman pretty literally married him and left for Minnesota, doing little but siphoning support from my Uncle).
My uncle is a sweet guy. He's always been my favorite uncle. And he was a godsend when my father died this spring. He met us, went to the funeral home with us to help make arrangements, etc. He was there for us and tried to help and emotionally support my mother, my sister, and myself however he could, etc. He's a good guy. (He was looking sadeningly frail, however. He was married to my mother's older sister and is now in his mid-80s). You would never know by the way he's treated my parents (or my grandparents when they were alive) that they were his in-laws.
Anyway, while Mom was down there, she of course visited my uncle and, while there, asked about his wife only for him to offhandedly mention "Oh, she died last spring."
Buh-wuh?
Apparently, she died not long before my father did, but my Uncle had never mentioned it to us -- or to anyone, really. He said that late this summer he had gone up to Minnesota to clean up her house and place it on the market for sale (this is how my Mom discovered the $900 monthly homeowner's association fee (WTF?!!) This must've been some gated community that did landscape upkeep and had amenities for that sort of fee.) He's selling it furnished.
Can't say I feel much. I met her twice and have spent most of the last decade believing she was shamelessly exploiting my Uncle. But it's just...weird to me that even while my Uncle was being so supportive to us during my father's passing, his wife had just died. (To be honest my Uncle was probably closer to -- and goodness knows my Dad was a hell of a lot nicer to him -- than this woman, who had so separated herself from my Uncle to such a degree that no one in his family knew -- or much cared -- that she had died... months ago.
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no subject
Date: 2014-10-24 03:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-24 04:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-24 03:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-24 03:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-24 04:46 pm (UTC)I was mainly surprised that she had apparently died just a couple of weeks before Papa did and yet my Uncle never mentioned it while he was helping us make all the funeral arrangements for Papa. (He was such a comfort and help.) I suppose he decided to keep it to himself since we were in such a state of shock over Papa.
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Date: 2014-10-24 04:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-24 03:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-24 03:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-24 04:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-24 04:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-24 04:39 pm (UTC)Everyone is different. And people need to get through things the best way that they can.
We're still a bit agog at Mother's (very nice) neighbors where the man next door's wife died, then the lady across the street's husband died, and then three months after that widower neighbor married the three-month widow across the street. No reason to suspect any sort of prior relationship between them or anything like that. Both are relatively elderly and both of their spouses had been critically ill a long time prior to their passing. It's easy to understand remaining spouses not wanting to be alone. They're very nice people and good neighbors. But three months was... swift... when viewed from outside.
My mother, on the other hand, it's been nearly 6 months yet it may as well have been yesterday. Which... it seems the same to my sister and myself as well. It was just so abrupt and unexpected. Papa was perfectly fine at breakfast and talking about a new renovation project in the house and then 45 minutes later he was gone. It's still difficult to believe that he's gone.
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Date: 2014-10-26 01:13 am (UTC)Just a thought. From experience I know it will get better for all of you with time, but unfortunately it will remain a heavy burden for a good long while. It will never really go away, though. I'm sorry to have to say that, but it's true. In the meantime, be kind to yourselves and each other.
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Date: 2014-10-24 06:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-28 05:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-26 01:03 am (UTC)What is the disconnect here? I don't get it. Whatever problems I may have with members of my family, we still keep close tabs on each other. Fundamentally, we care.
I don't know. It must be a personality thing. Anyway, I hope your uncle is happier now.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-28 05:31 pm (UTC)