![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shipperxOkay, I've meant to get around to writing this all day but I got caught up in the whole romance/Romanticism/Heathcliff/Byron/Angel debate on Sparklies that I so do not want to go into again. I'm tired of it. Then there was the napping and watching "Barbarians" on The Learning Channel, and chatting during the Golden Globes...
Okay. I'm just a lazy bum. :)
Warning: This post contains Spike love... in fact, it contains Spike adoration, so those who are 'so over it,' be forwarned.
I still love Spike.
Yes, I do!
I'm frustrated and angry at things going on in the story and the way that he has been written in some of the episodes, but I'm just not that easy to break. I still love the guy because I still understand him and after "Soul Purpose" he makes sense to me again.
I've had issues that Spike has been opaque this year. We've had no emotional window into him. He's been a distant, hard, a jackass, and in many ways very, very difficult to connect with the Spike from last year. And, up until "Soul Purpose," I don't think they ever bothered to give any explanation for the difference in attitude. Yeah, I know that Spike said he didn't want to be Angel's snarky sidekick in "Just Rewards" and that he was pissed about being a ghost. I know that Pavayne brought in the whole "doomed to hell" issue which gave Spike a fear that I don't think he ever had before. Yeah, Spike hated being incorporeal. But, quite honestly, none of this was enough. None of this resonated with me. None of it made a great deal of gut level emotional sense to me. Spike was foreign. Where in the hell WAS he?!
Well, I think got a glimpse this week. Much as I got when I first saw William, something clicked and I understood him again (thank God). Now, everyone won't agree with me. Why should they? But this is the explanation that I reached that has given me some peace with what's going on with AtS (not that I won't bitch loudly and constantly in the future because I promise you I will! I'm bitter as ever. . . I've just found an explanation that makes it all make some sense to me).
Spike is as angry and bitter as I am.
I can understand that.
How could Spike having been through all he's been through not have issues about it? Sure he can say he's pissed about being a ghost, and he means it as far as that goes. Sure he is irritated that Angel has all the perks. He's honest about that as well. The thing that's eating at him, however, is that the guy who was always an emotional open book, and actually too honest about every emotion he felt is (of all unlikely things) repressing. It started last year, but Spike gave it a few more tries. The FFL part of his nature is DAMN strong. But as the season went on, the more likely it became that he kept his counsel. This became apparent in 'End of Days' when Buffy, queen of denial and repression, had to drag feelings out of SPIKE! Instead of offering up his heart for the slaughter, he held it back when he walked into the house in EoD (of course she dragged it out and slaughtered it again).
Now, part of Spike's problem is that he doesn't even know who he's angry with. He cannot allow himself to be angry with Buffy. It's too damn easy to be angry with Angel (and Angel facilitates this by giving a lot of cause to be angry with him. But ultimately, Angel isn't the source of Spike's problem, just a very convenient target.). And there are parts (lots of parts) of him that are probably angry with himself. All of these things are going on in Spike at once, and honestly, I don't think he can make heads and tales of it. Too much of him resists allowing anger at Buffy, too much of him allows anger at Angel... and the world. Lindsay is RIGHT. Spike is lost.
Well, duh, they said it, right? That's hardly a great epiphany. Spike's at loose ends and doesn't know what to do with himself. Big whoop. It wasn't until I really started mulling this over that I thought that honestly, it's possible to make a case that it's more than that.
But, wait, ME doesn't think about SPIKE! They only think about their precious wittle Angel. However, when I started considering all the ways that Spike was lost I sort of struck theory that I might even be able to sort of buy. . .maybe. Hey, it's enough to at least give me something to hang onto.
So often Spike has functioned as mirror to the hero. He was Buffy's emotional mirror for Seasons 6 & 7. And, you know what, I think he still is. . . only not Buffy's. Angel's. (Okay, again with the Duh. Two vampires, one goal. Coming up with the fact that they're mirroring each other is NOT a big leap. Except that it also opens Spike up emotionally).
See the thing is, Angel has lost his conviction. What's he fighting for? He lost his son. He lost Cordy. He sold himself to W&H so he's not even all that sure he's technically 'good' any more. And he's cetainly doubtful of the one thing he believed in so fiercely... that he's special. What do you do when you don't even know what you're stuggling for any longer?
Same. Thing. With. Spike.
Spike, and William before him, was the Fool for Love. He was a Romantic (and in this instance, as opposed to the Angel debate, I agree with the use of a capital R.) To William, and to Spike, the world of emotion was what made sense of the world (and if anyone ever read my personality assessment post, I've always postulated that Angel was far more about facts/judging than going on his emotions. Now, Angel doubts his judgement while Spike...) The height, width, and breadth of Spike's world was emotion, what he felt, how could he express that feeling. He wanted Cecily to "see" him. He became Dru's black night. He became Buffy's Champion. . .or did he? Dru always ended up with Angel. Buffy, did the nauseating kiss/bask routine. And, was he really her "Champion"... or was Angel the guy she couldn't "afford to lose" which mean...well... she could afford to lose Spike. In the end, Spike doesn't believe that Buffy loved him. Spike SERIOUSLY does not believe that Buffy loved him. To make sense of him now is to understand that he wasn't lying or exaggerating in Chosen when he said "No, you don't." He meant it.
So what do you do when all you believed and fought for. . .isn't there any more?
That's Angel's quandry right now. And the thing is, it's SPIKE'S problem as well. Spike believed in love, the power of it, the purpose of it. Angel believes in destiny, fate, guilt, whatever. But if love is your raison d'etre, if it's the foundation of how you define your world and yourself. . . what do you do when love fails you?
William had grand dreams of love. "If you could only see me..." he said to Cecily. "I love you." But, of course that love was tossed aside as though it was meaningless. Then there was Dru, his dark princess, for her he'd be the dark knight. He'd give her what she wanted. He'd do. . . whatever she needed. For one hundred and twenty-odd years he EARNED her love. He believed in the twisted tilting at wildmills of going after the larger than life "Slayer" as a quest of sorts. It was the romance of that existence, the Dark Warrior who was confronting most imposing foe. . . but in the end, the Dark Princess proved fickle. She threw herself at Angelus the MOMENT he came back. . . AGAIN. In the end, Spike couldn't be enough for her. He could never be demon enough or bad enough. . .he could never be enough. He tasted of ashes. And he got angry and belligerant and we got Season 4 Spike. Angry with Harm. Angry with his life. Damn near suicidal in Doomed. He lacked direction then too. . .and then he found love again. He loved Buffy, Ice Queen to Dru's Dark Princess. Again, he aspired, and this time, surely Love would be enough. It was STILL his guiding star. He would keep his promise to a lady. He would fight by her side. He would become her sex slave and her punching bag. He'd be her excuse for why her life wasn't perfect. He'd be. . . anything. Anything she wanted, anything she needed... because he believed in the love.
And when it went kerblooey in Season 6, he continued to believe. He follow his love. . . straight into the impossible. "Why does a man do what he musn't? For her. To be hers. To be a man..." His definition of man, of purpose, of motivation was love. Damn. He got a soul! I mean that's a HUGE. He went out, risked his life, his very existence. He accomplished the IMPOSSIBLE. He won his soul--for love. And. . .er. . .well.
Buffy left him in a basement.
But, hey, he loved the girl. He'd pull himself together. He'd gain her respect. He could change. . .enough. He could be the chaste knight to her Ice Queen. He could be her captain. He could earn her trust. . . and her love? Right? Surely, if he loved enough, if he changed enough, if he was loyal and steadfast enough, surely. . . surely. . .
But she didn't.
Angel showed up and she was in his arms in a heartbeat (just like Dru.) Spike came to believe quite firmly in Chosen that his love would never be enough. He could never change enough. . .to make her love him. There was no enough. Things were just what they were. Like with Dru, HE , his love, could never really be enough.
Oh he was happy of Buffy's validation. He was happy for whatever measure of trust that she gave. He also as stated in Chosen, was only bluffing about the pride. But, he could do one thing that would at least validate her trust... and all his efforts up to that point. He played the hero for "love, honor, and all the right reasons."
And then... he died.
And he was brought back.
But, see, the problem is, how do you live when you have nothing left to believe in? When what you have defined yourself by. . .no longer fits.
Angel is totally lost now. If he's not the true, most special one, if he's that THE champion of good, justice, helping the helpless guy... who is he? Who IS this CEO of W&H?
Who is the Fool for Love... who no longer believes in love? Spike "I may be love's bitch, but I'm man enough to admit it." Is now upset when it's pointed out that every good thing he ever did was to impress a girl. Spike used to not consider that a bad thing. Now... he's uncomfortable? Why? Is it that he's lost the faith... he's lost the conviction?
He's... lost.
He's angry.
He's bitter.
And I don't blame him.
What do you do when all you fought for... isn't what you can fight for now? He came to the conclusion that nothing he could do would ever make Buffy love him.
Angel gave up his son. He's now the head of W&H Evil corporation.
Both Angel and Spike have lost what they used to define themselves. Angel (Thinking/Judging) has problems discerning black and white and gray and it's upsetting him terribly and he's oh so discombobulated. And Angel's equal and opposing mirror -- Spike (feeling) has a hell of a time understanding and making sense of his jumbled positive and nevative feelings and is uncertain about what now defines his world if he no longer really believes in the power of love to overcome all things.
Spike is floundering every damn bit as much as Angel, just differently. Spike has also lost his conviction, and himself. What IS he fighting for? Spike keeps asking "what's in it for me?" because he doesn't know. What conviction does he have?
Frankly, I don't think he'll find it before Angel finds his. But hopefully (please ME) when Angel finds a way to define himself other than by labels applied by the Powers that Be, when he finds a new self. . . Spike will be allowed to find a way to define himself, a role for himself, a self.
Okay, so everyone won't buy this fanwank. But this makes Spike make sense to me again, so it's my story and I'm sticking to it. Spike has lost the love...He has to find faith again (Just as Angel has to). It just has to be his own star.
Okay. I'm just a lazy bum. :)
Warning: This post contains Spike love... in fact, it contains Spike adoration, so those who are 'so over it,' be forwarned.
I still love Spike.
Yes, I do!
I'm frustrated and angry at things going on in the story and the way that he has been written in some of the episodes, but I'm just not that easy to break. I still love the guy because I still understand him and after "Soul Purpose" he makes sense to me again.
I've had issues that Spike has been opaque this year. We've had no emotional window into him. He's been a distant, hard, a jackass, and in many ways very, very difficult to connect with the Spike from last year. And, up until "Soul Purpose," I don't think they ever bothered to give any explanation for the difference in attitude. Yeah, I know that Spike said he didn't want to be Angel's snarky sidekick in "Just Rewards" and that he was pissed about being a ghost. I know that Pavayne brought in the whole "doomed to hell" issue which gave Spike a fear that I don't think he ever had before. Yeah, Spike hated being incorporeal. But, quite honestly, none of this was enough. None of this resonated with me. None of it made a great deal of gut level emotional sense to me. Spike was foreign. Where in the hell WAS he?!
Well, I think got a glimpse this week. Much as I got when I first saw William, something clicked and I understood him again (thank God). Now, everyone won't agree with me. Why should they? But this is the explanation that I reached that has given me some peace with what's going on with AtS (not that I won't bitch loudly and constantly in the future because I promise you I will! I'm bitter as ever. . . I've just found an explanation that makes it all make some sense to me).
Spike is as angry and bitter as I am.
I can understand that.
How could Spike having been through all he's been through not have issues about it? Sure he can say he's pissed about being a ghost, and he means it as far as that goes. Sure he is irritated that Angel has all the perks. He's honest about that as well. The thing that's eating at him, however, is that the guy who was always an emotional open book, and actually too honest about every emotion he felt is (of all unlikely things) repressing. It started last year, but Spike gave it a few more tries. The FFL part of his nature is DAMN strong. But as the season went on, the more likely it became that he kept his counsel. This became apparent in 'End of Days' when Buffy, queen of denial and repression, had to drag feelings out of SPIKE! Instead of offering up his heart for the slaughter, he held it back when he walked into the house in EoD (of course she dragged it out and slaughtered it again).
Now, part of Spike's problem is that he doesn't even know who he's angry with. He cannot allow himself to be angry with Buffy. It's too damn easy to be angry with Angel (and Angel facilitates this by giving a lot of cause to be angry with him. But ultimately, Angel isn't the source of Spike's problem, just a very convenient target.). And there are parts (lots of parts) of him that are probably angry with himself. All of these things are going on in Spike at once, and honestly, I don't think he can make heads and tales of it. Too much of him resists allowing anger at Buffy, too much of him allows anger at Angel... and the world. Lindsay is RIGHT. Spike is lost.
Well, duh, they said it, right? That's hardly a great epiphany. Spike's at loose ends and doesn't know what to do with himself. Big whoop. It wasn't until I really started mulling this over that I thought that honestly, it's possible to make a case that it's more than that.
But, wait, ME doesn't think about SPIKE! They only think about their precious wittle Angel. However, when I started considering all the ways that Spike was lost I sort of struck theory that I might even be able to sort of buy. . .maybe. Hey, it's enough to at least give me something to hang onto.
So often Spike has functioned as mirror to the hero. He was Buffy's emotional mirror for Seasons 6 & 7. And, you know what, I think he still is. . . only not Buffy's. Angel's. (Okay, again with the Duh. Two vampires, one goal. Coming up with the fact that they're mirroring each other is NOT a big leap. Except that it also opens Spike up emotionally).
See the thing is, Angel has lost his conviction. What's he fighting for? He lost his son. He lost Cordy. He sold himself to W&H so he's not even all that sure he's technically 'good' any more. And he's cetainly doubtful of the one thing he believed in so fiercely... that he's special. What do you do when you don't even know what you're stuggling for any longer?
Same. Thing. With. Spike.
Spike, and William before him, was the Fool for Love. He was a Romantic (and in this instance, as opposed to the Angel debate, I agree with the use of a capital R.) To William, and to Spike, the world of emotion was what made sense of the world (and if anyone ever read my personality assessment post, I've always postulated that Angel was far more about facts/judging than going on his emotions. Now, Angel doubts his judgement while Spike...) The height, width, and breadth of Spike's world was emotion, what he felt, how could he express that feeling. He wanted Cecily to "see" him. He became Dru's black night. He became Buffy's Champion. . .or did he? Dru always ended up with Angel. Buffy, did the nauseating kiss/bask routine. And, was he really her "Champion"... or was Angel the guy she couldn't "afford to lose" which mean...well... she could afford to lose Spike. In the end, Spike doesn't believe that Buffy loved him. Spike SERIOUSLY does not believe that Buffy loved him. To make sense of him now is to understand that he wasn't lying or exaggerating in Chosen when he said "No, you don't." He meant it.
So what do you do when all you believed and fought for. . .isn't there any more?
That's Angel's quandry right now. And the thing is, it's SPIKE'S problem as well. Spike believed in love, the power of it, the purpose of it. Angel believes in destiny, fate, guilt, whatever. But if love is your raison d'etre, if it's the foundation of how you define your world and yourself. . . what do you do when love fails you?
William had grand dreams of love. "If you could only see me..." he said to Cecily. "I love you." But, of course that love was tossed aside as though it was meaningless. Then there was Dru, his dark princess, for her he'd be the dark knight. He'd give her what she wanted. He'd do. . . whatever she needed. For one hundred and twenty-odd years he EARNED her love. He believed in the twisted tilting at wildmills of going after the larger than life "Slayer" as a quest of sorts. It was the romance of that existence, the Dark Warrior who was confronting most imposing foe. . . but in the end, the Dark Princess proved fickle. She threw herself at Angelus the MOMENT he came back. . . AGAIN. In the end, Spike couldn't be enough for her. He could never be demon enough or bad enough. . .he could never be enough. He tasted of ashes. And he got angry and belligerant and we got Season 4 Spike. Angry with Harm. Angry with his life. Damn near suicidal in Doomed. He lacked direction then too. . .and then he found love again. He loved Buffy, Ice Queen to Dru's Dark Princess. Again, he aspired, and this time, surely Love would be enough. It was STILL his guiding star. He would keep his promise to a lady. He would fight by her side. He would become her sex slave and her punching bag. He'd be her excuse for why her life wasn't perfect. He'd be. . . anything. Anything she wanted, anything she needed... because he believed in the love.
And when it went kerblooey in Season 6, he continued to believe. He follow his love. . . straight into the impossible. "Why does a man do what he musn't? For her. To be hers. To be a man..." His definition of man, of purpose, of motivation was love. Damn. He got a soul! I mean that's a HUGE. He went out, risked his life, his very existence. He accomplished the IMPOSSIBLE. He won his soul--for love. And. . .er. . .well.
Buffy left him in a basement.
But, hey, he loved the girl. He'd pull himself together. He'd gain her respect. He could change. . .enough. He could be the chaste knight to her Ice Queen. He could be her captain. He could earn her trust. . . and her love? Right? Surely, if he loved enough, if he changed enough, if he was loyal and steadfast enough, surely. . . surely. . .
But she didn't.
Angel showed up and she was in his arms in a heartbeat (just like Dru.) Spike came to believe quite firmly in Chosen that his love would never be enough. He could never change enough. . .to make her love him. There was no enough. Things were just what they were. Like with Dru, HE , his love, could never really be enough.
Oh he was happy of Buffy's validation. He was happy for whatever measure of trust that she gave. He also as stated in Chosen, was only bluffing about the pride. But, he could do one thing that would at least validate her trust... and all his efforts up to that point. He played the hero for "love, honor, and all the right reasons."
And then... he died.
And he was brought back.
But, see, the problem is, how do you live when you have nothing left to believe in? When what you have defined yourself by. . .no longer fits.
Angel is totally lost now. If he's not the true, most special one, if he's that THE champion of good, justice, helping the helpless guy... who is he? Who IS this CEO of W&H?
Who is the Fool for Love... who no longer believes in love? Spike "I may be love's bitch, but I'm man enough to admit it." Is now upset when it's pointed out that every good thing he ever did was to impress a girl. Spike used to not consider that a bad thing. Now... he's uncomfortable? Why? Is it that he's lost the faith... he's lost the conviction?
He's... lost.
He's angry.
He's bitter.
And I don't blame him.
What do you do when all you fought for... isn't what you can fight for now? He came to the conclusion that nothing he could do would ever make Buffy love him.
Angel gave up his son. He's now the head of W&H Evil corporation.
Both Angel and Spike have lost what they used to define themselves. Angel (Thinking/Judging) has problems discerning black and white and gray and it's upsetting him terribly and he's oh so discombobulated. And Angel's equal and opposing mirror -- Spike (feeling) has a hell of a time understanding and making sense of his jumbled positive and nevative feelings and is uncertain about what now defines his world if he no longer really believes in the power of love to overcome all things.
Spike is floundering every damn bit as much as Angel, just differently. Spike has also lost his conviction, and himself. What IS he fighting for? Spike keeps asking "what's in it for me?" because he doesn't know. What conviction does he have?
Frankly, I don't think he'll find it before Angel finds his. But hopefully (please ME) when Angel finds a way to define himself other than by labels applied by the Powers that Be, when he finds a new self. . . Spike will be allowed to find a way to define himself, a role for himself, a self.
Okay, so everyone won't buy this fanwank. But this makes Spike make sense to me again, so it's my story and I'm sticking to it. Spike has lost the love...He has to find faith again (Just as Angel has to). It just has to be his own star.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-26 02:53 am (UTC)As for Angel and his problems, I expect them to more or less vanish after ep12. Wonder if Spike's will magically do the same? They shouldn't. They should get worse as any fleeting sense of purpose is once more snatched away from him.