ROFL! So much better than the actual show
Aug. 28th, 2004 12:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shipperxLizzieT's spoof of today's AMC
Kendall: Mother, I need you to help me get Ryan back.
Erica: Forget it. I'm still winning the audience back after the Vegas storyline debacle. I don't need to get mixed up in this triangle mess.
Kendall: But look at this picture.
Erica: It's Greenlee and some strange guy.
Kendall: It's Bobby Warner. The guy you were with in the Vegas storyline debacle.
Erica: I was trying to forget about that.
Kendall: Don't you see? This proves that Greenlee is cheating on Ryan -- or at least that she had a scene with someone who was paid to boink her even though he took the money but didn't get the job done.
Erica: Huh?
Kendall: Never mind. I just have to get Ryan back. Mother, he's my soul mate. He's my Jack.
Erica: No, Kendall. He's not your Jack. Your Phil maybe. Most likely your Tom though he could be your Nick. But he's not your Jack. People like Jack. Besides, he's a married man.
Kendall: Did that stop you when Dimitri was married to Angelique? When Jack was married to Laurel? When that guy that was on Petticoat Junction was--
Erica: This isn't about me, Kendall...Whoa, who's that singing the hallelujah chorus?
Kendall: I think it's the people on the message boards.
Erica: Anyway, you can't keep playing games with people's lives. I did that for years, and it never made me happy...except for the time I stole Jack away from that Brooke English person. Now, will you follow my advice and the desperate pleas of the message board people and stop chasing Ryan?
Kendall: Not a chance.
Mona's ghost: Bwahahahahaha! Forgive me if I'm enjoying this just a little too much.
______________________________
Ryan and Greenlee wake up.
Jonathan: Hi guys. I have exciting news.
Ryan: I heard you got moved into the Maggie storyline. Congratulations. Of course, she's not really a front burner character like me, but it could be good for you.
Jonathan: Not that. I found a great company for us to buy.
Ryan: I've looked at that company. It's crap. Only an idiot would buy that company.
Jonathan: Uh oh.
Greenlee: Jonathan, tell Ryan the truth.
Jonathan: OK. Ryan, I was actually rooting for you to marry Kendall in the location shoot wedding.
Greenlee: Not that truth. Ryan, Jonathan doesn't have an MBA.
Jonathan: I'm sorry, Ryan. I just didn't want to see you look so disappointed.
Ryan: This isn't my disappointed face. This is my "who cares" face. I know it's hard to tell the difference, but I'm working on it with my acting coach.
Greenlee: But Ryan, Jonathan doesn't have a business degree. He deserves to be an executive at Fusion about as much as....as... about as much as any of us, but that's not the point.
Ryan: Greenlee, I can't fire him. I have less of an education than he does and I run the company. And didn't you see his face? He was so embarrassed. I know it was hard to tell, but he's working on it with his acting coach.
Later Aidan talked to Ryan.
Aidan: Oi've fownd owt somethin' abowt Zach Slaiter. 'E 'as a flow chart in 'is office.
Ryan: Really? What's on it?
Aidan: Yew, Kendall, Erica, Biahnca, Reggie, Maggie and a most of Poin Valley's front burner citizens. Now whot do all these foin people 'ave in common?
Ryan: Great hair? Strong fan bases? Storylines that are going nowhere?
Aidan: No. They're all connected to that rotter Moichal Cambias. And it was one year ago exactly that the three week daigh of Moichal's death began. Yew know whot that means, don't you?
Ryan: That today will probably last until the middle of September?
Aidan: Oi was thinking more loik 'Alloween.
____________________________
Zach talked to Bianca.
Bianca: I have to thank you for helping us last night.
Zach: I'm always happy to oblige when two beautiful young women want me to rig up a camera to film them in bed.
Bianca: You're such a nice man -- mysterious but nice.
Zach: You're a very good friend to Babe Chandler and her daughter.
Bianca: I'm so lucky to have her daugther in my life. I thought being a godmother was mostly ceremonial but it isn't. Did you know that Bess even looks like me? And when I hold her and listen to her rant about how they don't make high heels for babies she sounds just like the women in my family. It makes me feel like she could be my own little girl.
Zach: You're such a special person, Bianca. I can't believe you actually killed Michael Cambias. Do you suppose maybe they just said you did it to wrap up a storyline that had dragged on way too long?
Bianca: I don't think so. This show never knows when to wrap up a storyline. Besides, we haven't changed writers since the trial and a writer rarely rewrites her own story. I'm pretty sure I did it.
Zach: You seem very tired. I think you should go back to Pine Valley before the big event.
Bianca: Maybe I will. It's hard to believe we've only been here a day. It seems like weeks.
____________________________
Ryan arrived in Zach's office.
Ryan: Me Ryan. Me full of myself. Me strut in and open Zach's flow chart. Demand answers because me hero.
Zach: :::smirk::: You really make it easy for me to be popular don't you?
_______________________________
It was morning at the Chandler's.
Babe: Look JR. I have us handcuffed together. What do you have to say about this?
JR: First, I find you in bed with another woman. Then, I wake up and find myself handcuffed to you. ...Life just doesn't get any better than this.
Producers: Cut!
JR: Come on! You know it's what the guys in the audience are saying.
Babe: I'm not letting you go. You stole the baby that I stole from Bianca. I'm staying here until you bring Bess back. My lawyer has filed papers.
JR: That could take months. Bess could be in college by then.
Babe: How can you be so cruel? You're just like your father.
JR: My father had the right idea. I should have had you committed, strapped down in a straight jacket and shot full of drugs, just like he did my mom.
Babe: Jamie, what are you doing here?
Jamie: You can't have a scene with this generation's Adam with you being this generation's Dixie without an appearance by this generation's Tad. I'm moving in to be the hero ...and the only person anyone likes in this story.
JR: Jamie, you don't have to work so hard. Everyone already hates us and Babe's easy.
Babe::::sob::::He makes it sound like a bad thing.
Jamie: Don't worry, Babe. We'll find Bess. We've got posters of her up all over town.
Babe: Bess would like that. I just hope the pictures had good lighting. And you know how picky she is about the angle. Oh Jamie, I've been so stupid. I deserve for someone to smack me in the head and just keep on smacking......Ouch! Someone get those message board people out of here! It was just a figure of speech, not an invitiation!
Kendall: Mother, I need you to help me get Ryan back.
Erica: Forget it. I'm still winning the audience back after the Vegas storyline debacle. I don't need to get mixed up in this triangle mess.
Kendall: But look at this picture.
Erica: It's Greenlee and some strange guy.
Kendall: It's Bobby Warner. The guy you were with in the Vegas storyline debacle.
Erica: I was trying to forget about that.
Kendall: Don't you see? This proves that Greenlee is cheating on Ryan -- or at least that she had a scene with someone who was paid to boink her even though he took the money but didn't get the job done.
Erica: Huh?
Kendall: Never mind. I just have to get Ryan back. Mother, he's my soul mate. He's my Jack.
Erica: No, Kendall. He's not your Jack. Your Phil maybe. Most likely your Tom though he could be your Nick. But he's not your Jack. People like Jack. Besides, he's a married man.
Kendall: Did that stop you when Dimitri was married to Angelique? When Jack was married to Laurel? When that guy that was on Petticoat Junction was--
Erica: This isn't about me, Kendall...Whoa, who's that singing the hallelujah chorus?
Kendall: I think it's the people on the message boards.
Erica: Anyway, you can't keep playing games with people's lives. I did that for years, and it never made me happy...except for the time I stole Jack away from that Brooke English person. Now, will you follow my advice and the desperate pleas of the message board people and stop chasing Ryan?
Kendall: Not a chance.
Mona's ghost: Bwahahahahaha! Forgive me if I'm enjoying this just a little too much.
______________________________
Ryan and Greenlee wake up.
Jonathan: Hi guys. I have exciting news.
Ryan: I heard you got moved into the Maggie storyline. Congratulations. Of course, she's not really a front burner character like me, but it could be good for you.
Jonathan: Not that. I found a great company for us to buy.
Ryan: I've looked at that company. It's crap. Only an idiot would buy that company.
Jonathan: Uh oh.
Greenlee: Jonathan, tell Ryan the truth.
Jonathan: OK. Ryan, I was actually rooting for you to marry Kendall in the location shoot wedding.
Greenlee: Not that truth. Ryan, Jonathan doesn't have an MBA.
Jonathan: I'm sorry, Ryan. I just didn't want to see you look so disappointed.
Ryan: This isn't my disappointed face. This is my "who cares" face. I know it's hard to tell the difference, but I'm working on it with my acting coach.
Greenlee: But Ryan, Jonathan doesn't have a business degree. He deserves to be an executive at Fusion about as much as....as... about as much as any of us, but that's not the point.
Ryan: Greenlee, I can't fire him. I have less of an education than he does and I run the company. And didn't you see his face? He was so embarrassed. I know it was hard to tell, but he's working on it with his acting coach.
Later Aidan talked to Ryan.
Aidan: Oi've fownd owt somethin' abowt Zach Slaiter. 'E 'as a flow chart in 'is office.
Ryan: Really? What's on it?
Aidan: Yew, Kendall, Erica, Biahnca, Reggie, Maggie and a most of Poin Valley's front burner citizens. Now whot do all these foin people 'ave in common?
Ryan: Great hair? Strong fan bases? Storylines that are going nowhere?
Aidan: No. They're all connected to that rotter Moichal Cambias. And it was one year ago exactly that the three week daigh of Moichal's death began. Yew know whot that means, don't you?
Ryan: That today will probably last until the middle of September?
Aidan: Oi was thinking more loik 'Alloween.
____________________________
Zach talked to Bianca.
Bianca: I have to thank you for helping us last night.
Zach: I'm always happy to oblige when two beautiful young women want me to rig up a camera to film them in bed.
Bianca: You're such a nice man -- mysterious but nice.
Zach: You're a very good friend to Babe Chandler and her daughter.
Bianca: I'm so lucky to have her daugther in my life. I thought being a godmother was mostly ceremonial but it isn't. Did you know that Bess even looks like me? And when I hold her and listen to her rant about how they don't make high heels for babies she sounds just like the women in my family. It makes me feel like she could be my own little girl.
Zach: You're such a special person, Bianca. I can't believe you actually killed Michael Cambias. Do you suppose maybe they just said you did it to wrap up a storyline that had dragged on way too long?
Bianca: I don't think so. This show never knows when to wrap up a storyline. Besides, we haven't changed writers since the trial and a writer rarely rewrites her own story. I'm pretty sure I did it.
Zach: You seem very tired. I think you should go back to Pine Valley before the big event.
Bianca: Maybe I will. It's hard to believe we've only been here a day. It seems like weeks.
____________________________
Ryan arrived in Zach's office.
Ryan: Me Ryan. Me full of myself. Me strut in and open Zach's flow chart. Demand answers because me hero.
Zach: :::smirk::: You really make it easy for me to be popular don't you?
_______________________________
It was morning at the Chandler's.
Babe: Look JR. I have us handcuffed together. What do you have to say about this?
JR: First, I find you in bed with another woman. Then, I wake up and find myself handcuffed to you. ...Life just doesn't get any better than this.
Producers: Cut!
JR: Come on! You know it's what the guys in the audience are saying.
Babe: I'm not letting you go. You stole the baby that I stole from Bianca. I'm staying here until you bring Bess back. My lawyer has filed papers.
JR: That could take months. Bess could be in college by then.
Babe: How can you be so cruel? You're just like your father.
JR: My father had the right idea. I should have had you committed, strapped down in a straight jacket and shot full of drugs, just like he did my mom.
Babe: Jamie, what are you doing here?
Jamie: You can't have a scene with this generation's Adam with you being this generation's Dixie without an appearance by this generation's Tad. I'm moving in to be the hero ...and the only person anyone likes in this story.
JR: Jamie, you don't have to work so hard. Everyone already hates us and Babe's easy.
Babe::::sob::::He makes it sound like a bad thing.
Jamie: Don't worry, Babe. We'll find Bess. We've got posters of her up all over town.
Babe: Bess would like that. I just hope the pictures had good lighting. And you know how picky she is about the angle. Oh Jamie, I've been so stupid. I deserve for someone to smack me in the head and just keep on smacking......Ouch! Someone get those message board people out of here! It was just a figure of speech, not an invitiation!
