THIS is why I'm not married

[shipperx]

Yes, I'm a single woman over a certain age and I'm very, very set in my ways. Very. But this type thing annoys the shit out of me and it's this sort of thing that leaves me entirely happy to be single and spoiled rotten.

My father was in town again for medical tests (the surgery isn't scheduled yet but they ran the first tests today and another set are scheduled for next week). So I ended up having dinner at my sister's. So, while my sister and I made dinner, my brother-in-law disappeared upstairs to watch baseball. While he was off doing this, my sister and I had the television in the kitchen on LOST's rerun. My nephew came downstairs and instantly changed the channel. "Hey!" I protested. "Did you ever consider that maybe we were watching that." He complained but actually looked chargrinned and asked whether I wanted the channel turned back. I wasn't super insistent or anything. Sure, whatever. But he wandered out of the room a few minutes later. I turned the channel back. So ten minutes later my brother-in-law comes in and WHILE I'M STANDING THERE WATCHING THE SHOW, changes the channel to baseball. Hey! You think, that maybe the one who had been IN the kitchen with the TV on might... oh, I don't know, have been watching the channel that it was on before you waltzed in and changed the channel without so much as inquiring whether someone was WATCHING that? I made some sort of noise about it and he (rather rudely IMO) said "Well I'm not watching that" and turned it to baseball. Well, you know, while you might consider a TV drama "boring"... I tend to think baseball is BORING. And... um... I was the one in the kitchen. You guys were hanging out upstairs. And beyond that, it's just plain RUDE to walk in and change the channel when someone else is watching.

Being a single woman, I -- unlike my sister -- am far, far, FAR less tolerant of this sort of thing. Poor woman relinquished claims to the remote a decade ago. Personally, I watch what I want to watch. Their house has 6 freaking TVs. If the game was so goddamned special he could watch it in the next room instead of changing the channel in the kitchen while we're freaking making dinner for HIM!

It isn't so much that he did it. It's the utter bald faced way that he did it as if what we were watching was unimportant and we didn't even deserve the courtesy of at least asking whether we were watching it before changing the channel. It's just plain RUDE! (As was running the game throughout dinner. If it was a regular TV show it would have been turned off. But nooooo.... if it's boring-ass baseball we have to watch it through dinner (even if my sister and I continued to mock how BORING baseball is throughout the meal until my brother-in-law was tetchy about it.

But, seriously, there are certain luxuries to being a single woman. Utter control of the remote is one of them... and a home blessedly free of constant ESPN and Newschannels as the TV defaults are another (Why is it that for most men all that's needed is ESPN and the newschannel most suited to their political affiliation?)

I'm a set in my ways single woman, and I'm very intolerant of men thinking they are the lord and master of the remote control or that male preferences in viewing habits inherently trump the females.

It wasn't a big deal... but these things annoy me.

Comments

[fishsanwitt]

I happen to disagree. I think it was a *very* big thing.

It smacks of arrogance to do something like that. It is disrespectful and ignorant. You are *far* nicer than me.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

It's family and they've been married for almost 20 years. We're all used to it now.

[fishsanwitt]

I understand about family. I'm sorry - I didn't mean to be disrespectful. The atttitude just made me angry. There are *definitely* perks to being single :)

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Heh. Hey, it made me angry too when he did it.

(I have to sort of laugh that my sister really never NOTICES the behavior and yet simultaneously wonders why my parents almost ALWAYS choose to stay at my home when they're in town rather than her home -- which I know bothers her. But, even as I was leaving home this morning my mother called and said they were coming over to my house to hang out today because my BIL has the day off and they "didn't want to be an imposition" which translates to they always feel like in the way. My sister never quite grasps that the reason my parents prefer my home is that they feel far more free to do whatever the hell they want there as opposed to feeling like guests at my sister's. (But it has become so pronouced that my sister has become a bit offended that they prefer my home despite the fact that it's 1/6th the size of hers).

[fishsanwitt]

You know, it's *always* something :)

I've been reading ginmar's posts and she makes such good points about men and women's relationships that I'm more *aware* now of the way people interact. But you've always struck me as someone who says what they mean and means what they say, so I'm putting my money on *you*! LOL!

[fenchurche.livejournal.com]

Of course, the other solution is to not marry a guy who's an inconsiderate jerk. ;-)

Thankfully, they're not all like that.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

He's got his good points, but yeah, on some issues he can be something of an arrogant jerk.

agreeing with fishsanwitt

[klytaimnestra.livejournal.com]

That was a very big deal. Your brother in law is an egocentric, narcissistic, arrogant ass, to put it no higher, and your sister doesn't even see it, because she's lived with it for so long. And he is training his nephew to be exactly the same kind of flaming jerk to his own spouse, come the day. And it's transparent to ALL of them. If your sister were to say "hey wait, I was watching that", then SHE'S being the selfish one, as far as he's concerned.

I had a boyfriend like this for a century or so (it was four years, just felt like a century). I didn't watch TV, so that wasn't an issue. But everything he wanted he automatically had a right to have, and anything I objected to, well, I was just being a selfish bitch. I was trained pretty quick to just shut up and take it. He also did his best, quite effectively for awhile there, to convince me that the reason I was utterly miserable, which I was, for obvious reasons, was because I was a self-centred whiny bitch. Anyway, I got out eventually, and got therapy, and everything got better.

All men are not like that. But it's appalling that ANY men are like that, and are ALLOWED to be like that - and, like your nephew, are TRAINED to be like that.

I trust you don't think this is the only area in which your brother in law is a jerk. There will be many, and they're all invisible - to both of them. I hope your sister is okay.

Re: agreeing with fishsanwitt

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Oh, my sister is fine. Yeah, my brother-in-law is arrogant and always has been. But, my sister is stubborn on issues where she chooses to be. . .which is probably why I always find it bizarre that she's passive on some issues. If it had really been important (rather than just rude) there would have been a bigger issue made of it. But it was more just snarking about it. But, yeah, he can be extremely arrogant and rude about the oddest things (and I don't delude myself that he wouldn't have done the exact same thing to my father if it had been my Dad in there watching what my brother-in-law would have considered "unimportant."

I remember just after I graduated college and was job hunting I lived with my sister and brother-in-law for a couple of months. I remember sitting down at night watching TV and...well... after an hour or so of CNN I always expected it to.. you know... change to "real" TV. Soon I discovered that, nope. He was going to leave it on CNN all. damn. night. Because that's what he watched.

It was weird because that's just not the way my sister and I were raised. My Dad would never do what my brother-in-law did.


But I don't worry about my sister. Part of it is that she's this person who almost never watches TV (She's always so hyperactive that she never sits still long enough) so he's just the only one who ever controls the TV. Since they've been married close to 20 years now... it's not exactly a new development. Just a thing that annoys my mom and myself to death when we're at their house.

oh, not an important issue then

[klytaimnestra.livejournal.com]

I misread, sorry - he's used to having total control OF THE TV, but it's because, mostly because, your sister doesn't care about the TV. That's different from his just expecting his wishes to always come first. Presumably he doesn't act the same way in any area that your sister actually does have an interest in.

I wonder if I do the same thing with the newspaper ... probably, you know ..

Re: oh, not an important issue then

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Oh she's fully capable of getting anything she wants when she wants it and making no bones about it. It's just a really odd combination of what she's really compulsive about and what she's fascinatingly passive about. She is, in general, far more of a control freak than I am, but she does other things that leave me scratching my head and going "Huh?" Her total relinquishment of the remote is one of them. Sis, the reason why you think nothing is ever on TV... is your husband only ever leaves the TV on CNN and ESPN. There are a whole range of other channels and actual TV shows out there...

(Then again, I figure he gets payback in the form of my neice who isn't shy about the remote -- having two older brothers taught her long ago to fight for her right to the remote -- and therefore subjects them to endless hours of Hillary Duff and Lindsey Lohan. (To up the torture factor... she listens to their musical CDs as well. Oh, the horror! >:)

[mistraltoes.livejournal.com]

Aargh. That's not a married thing, or a man thing. That's plain old ordinary rude. Actually, that's beyond rude. That's being a jerk. Send Spike to bite him.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Heh. There have been times I've wanted to call him a sodding git (and I'm not even British.) ;)

[spikewriter]

And I am so happy that I married a man who hates sports, so ESPN is not a problem in our house. The newschannels and C-SPAN is a different story, but he would never simply change the channel while I was watching something -- mainly because he knows I'd probably whack him over the head with the remote before changing it back if he did. Still, there's a reason the remote is referred to as "the dick of power".

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Part of it, I think is the age gap. My sister is 12 years older than I am. So back when my BIL and my sister began dating in med school, my sister was 24 and I was 11 going on 12. That sort of tends to set a tone for a realtionship. I'm the "wacky kid sister" to him. In fact, it sort of struck me the other day that the age gap between myself and my oldest nephew isn't MUCH larger than the age gap between my sister and myself. 16 years versus 12 years.

[hazel75.livejournal.com]

Dude, the first person with remote wins. Even my dad would admit that. He tends to be the first person with remote but he would never *dream* of changing the channel without asking permission or being given the same. On the same token, he expects the same respect (while he flips and flips and flips, ad nauseam).

But you're not just a single woman set in her ways (although I am, too). It's called manners.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Oh it was rude, and sort of indicative of some of his somewhat self-involved behavior... but there's nothing to be done about it (other than mock him at the dinner table for having done it. >:)

[shapinglight]

I can quite see why.

FWIW, in my house the women rule the remote simply because there are more of us.

Baseball is boring. It's a mystery to me how something like that ever got to be the US national game. Even the clothes are silly. JMO.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Part of it is (whispers) he's a yankee. Not a Yankee, but a Red Sox fan and...well... baseball tends to not be that big of a deal in the South where FOOTBALL is god. My dad is a sport fanatic... but doesn't give a damn about baseball, so I pretty much have no affection for the game (unlike college football).

I grew up as a cheerleader so I had to attend ALL the freaking sports events in Jr. High and High School. Football I actually enjoy watching. Basketball can be fun but there are so many freaking games in a season that even today I think of Basketball as something of a chore. It can be fun while it's one, but eh. Baseball I always HATED. Sucks up way, way, way, WAY too much time. The game takes freaking forever to play and most of the time nothing much happens. Plus up until the 80s all the national teams of any note (up until the Braves became any good) were all Northern teams so -- eh. But worse than eh -- takes too freaking much TIME and it's boring -- eh. (Which, of course is an offense to all people who are obsessed with the game) but I stand by my pronouncement. Baseball is glacial and BOR-RING!

[shapinglight]

You won't get any arguments from me, but then to us across the Pond, all American sports seem pretty weird, have to admit (although I'm sure that cricket looks that way to you too).

Baseball is definitely the least explicable, though.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Cricket is a bizarre and perplexing game. When I was in high school, my BIL got a fellowship at Guys Hospital in London (my oldest nephew was actually born in London), so my BIL and sister moved to London for a year. I lived with them that summer. There would be cricket matches on TV and we never DID figure out what in the hell was going on in the game. Never understood it at all.

Whereas I've attended football games regularly since I was born. I was laughing one day that we indoctrinate kids early into the culture of college football fandom. Even my 10 year old NEICE cannot escape as I was noticing last year that it was my sister and myself teaching her about what was going on in the game so that she'd understand.

Football is almost in a Southerner's blood. Baseball? Not so much.

[shapinglight]

Re: cricket. Heh! My mum had a teatowel that had the rules of cricket on it, written as confusingly as possible - but still perfeclty accurate.

Really it's an excuse for snoozing the day away in the sunshine (if there is any, which is always a problem) and politely clapping ever now and then.

[petzipellepingo.livejournal.com]

I'm nodding to all the comments here. Your BIL is just plain rude, period. You are a guest in his house and the guest should always be treated with respect and offered the choice of something before anyone else. Well, at least that's the way it was in my house growing up. Of course, there were 3 women and 1 man so poor Dad rarely got his way but if the guest wanted baseball then we all watched baseball. That's just good manners and everyone is right about the BIL setting a terrible example for the nephew.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Oh, well, there is some gender equality because my little neice in turn forces him to have to sit through endless hours of Hillary Duff as Lizzie McGuire on that particular TV. >:)

[spikeylover.livejournal.com]

that was just rude. I am married and my husband would never just come in and change the channel without asking first.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Neither would my dad... who had been there all along. When he had come in and seen that we had the TV on one station he had disappeared into the next room (the study) to watch. . . CNN. (Still don't understand the fascination with CNN and ESPN all the time, but Dad's far, far more polite about it. Then again he grew up as a man with 7 sisters, a wife and two daughters.

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Sounds exactly like my dad.

This is one of the MANY reasons I will always be single.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

I drive my mother and sister nuts with that attitude. They've wondered don't you WANT to get married?

Er...um... you know, I really don't think so. I know maybe I'm supposed to feel some lack in my life, but I don't. In fact the thought of actually finding someone and marrying them usually comes with a deep sigh at the thought of it. For me to marry I'd have to be so ass over teakettle in love it would be ridiculous. I just don't feel the need or want of it. I like being single and having minimal responsibilities to others, doing what I want, when I want, how I want and answering to no one.

I've about decided I'm just too damn set in my ways and have just passed the point of ever wanting it. I don't see myself married anywhere down the road and I'm perfectly happy with that. (But it completely confuses my sister, though I think mom is slowly accustoming herself to the concept).

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

Well, the culture we live in just sort of operates on this assumption that everyone really wants to pair up and settle down.

Look at our popular media--you can't even have a bloody action movie without some ridiculous tacked on sunset kiss at the end. Romance, coupling, traditional family life... it's shoved down our throats at every turn. Even a supposedly subversive show like "Sex in the City" ends with the women in romantic relationships.

I love being single. I love having my own way, not having to compromise, not having to give up myself to suit someone else. This is MY life and I'm living it for ME, not for anyone else.

And yeah, I have people telling me I really want a relationship, I just haven't met the right person, blah blah blah. It's beyond their comprehension that I really don't want a relationship.

But hey, that's their problem, not mine. :P

[http://users.livejournal.com/opalescence_/]

That's not being a man or a husband...that's just rude, unnecessary, and did I mention rude? Oh yes, I did. And so did you. Your sister did not train him right. :-)