Colbert

[shipperx]

Transcript(ish):

COLBERT: Ladies and gentlemen, I have been on break for two weeks, and while I was gone, the East coast was struck by an earthquake and a hurricane. One more natural disaster, and we get a free Blizzard.

Well folks, in light of these events, I am forced to issue a rare public apology to the gays. Now if you're watching and you're gay, wake up your partner. I want Rafael to hear this too. You see, I wasn't stateside when this went down. I was in New Zealand. It is the only place to get Maori warrior fur-covered crotch flaps at a reasonable price. My old ones were all worn out.

Now I know from my TV preacher friends that God sends hurricanes and earthquakes to punish gayness, so when I heard that He had hit the Mid-Atlantic states with a hurricane and and earthquake, I naturally thought, "How gay did the gays gay it this time?"

I mean, is Washington, D.C., now AC/DC? Did Lincoln give Jefferson a reach-around? Did Lady Liberty join a softball league?

Well, it turns out it wasn't caused by the gays, and I sincerely apologize for the insensitive things I just said about them. Michele Bachmann explained the real reason.

MICHELE BACHMANN (8/28/2011): Now I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've got an earthquake, we've had a hurricane. He said, "Are you going to start listening to me here?" Listen to the American people!

COLBERT: Yes! Hurricanes have that hole in the middle because they're God's megaphone that He uses so politicians can hear the American people over His earlier earthquake, which I believe is God's sub-woofer.

But of course, of course, the blame-scream-screedia on their Sunday gotcha shows have to question everything.

9/4/2011:
BOB SCHIEFFER: Do you believe that God does use the weather to send people messages here on Earth?

MICHELE BACHMANN: Obviously, I was speaking metaphorically. That was clear to the audience, it was clear to me.

COLBERT: OK? Metaphor. In this metaphor, God represents the American people, politicians represent themselves, and the hurricane represents the earthquake. OK? Metaphor. And Bachmann herself is a simile. Because she is like or as someone who makes sense.