Vampires Should Not...

[shipperx]

:
Under Nearly All Circumstances Vampires should not...

* Play football (see Vampire Diaries)
* Play baseball (see Twilight)
* In fact, they should simply avoid all team sports that involve practicing during daylight (This is especially true of 'heroic' vampires in high school sports because...You're a freaking vampire! You have super speed, super hearing, and sometimes you can fly. This counts as an unfair advantage when competing against normal high school kids. This then runs counter to being a mopey, angst-ridden, heroic pale vampire. It also makes you a big ol' cheat!)
* Sparkle (see Twilight)
* Trust 'V' addicts (see True Blood) (Seriously, you're a lifetime supply of hallucinagenic sex, so you think the addict is just going to keep you as a casual buddy?)
* Trust Body Theives (see Anne Rice) because if you offer a body thief an immortal beautiful body with super powers what are the odds that the thief will decide to keep it?! Moron.)
* Date 10th graders (even if they look 23). Seriously, can they expand their dating pool beyond high school? If you're over 100 you might appreciate conversation that doesn't revolve around who is going to the prom. Any vampire worth his/her salt Should go "Teenagers! Delicious, but I wouldn't want to date one."
* In fact, vampires shouldn't attend high school. Period. Vampire, why are you there? For the rest of us over a certain age, suddenly re-enrolling in high school Chem II is the stuff of sleep-deprived nightmares (usally involving inappropriate nudity and/or realizing that you haven't studied the subject of the pop-quiz ... for the last fifteen-plus years!) The regular kids who have to be there, want to be anywhere but there, so why, Vampire, are you inflicting this upon yourself on purpose?! (See... a whole heck of a lot of stuff, actually.)

Comments

[silverusagi]

Thank God the football thing only lasted one episode of Vampire Diaries.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Sorta had to. They killed the coach!

[silverusagi]

Hee!

Also, LOL to the Body Thief addition above.

And Re: the high school thing. That never made sense to me about Twilight. At least on Vampire Diaries, Stefan only goes to school so he can meet Elena. I guess if the girl you want is in high school (and WHY do you want her again?) that's the best place to meet her. Damon doesn't go to high school. He just picks up 16 year olds for sex and blood and then mindwipes them. :)

[sp23.livejournal.com]

I started to watch VD marathon (yeah, that works *g*) last night, and didn't get past the vampire using his vampire mojo on the guidance counselor to let him into school. One too many bangs on the head with the cliche hammer, plus, I just really don't care about this show.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Don't blame you. I've watched but mostly in an ironic way. :)

[nutmeg3.livejournal.com]

LOL! Great list - especiall the sparkling crap.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

LOL! I know. I can never quite move beyond. "They sparkle? WTF?!"

[empresspatti.livejournal.com]

Gotta admit - I love VD (hee!). All that 'smell the fart' acting, the fog machine, the angst. It just cracks me up.

ALSO - what immortal hot guy wants to go to high school for 100 years (VD & Twilight)? Sersly - seems to me you might want to date someone who has something interesting to say by the time you hit 150!

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

I totally (inappropriately) cracked up at that all teen dinner party (was that cola in place of wine?) Where they just blithely point out that Elena's parents are dead and Damon (equally blithely) says "Oh, everyone we ever cared about is dead..." It not one of them struck a "Wha-huh?!" look. I mean, seriously, that's a lot of dead parents going around. And... EVERYONE you've cared about is dead? That doesn't cause any alarm bells to go off??

And high school! I know. Not even Angel was masochistic enough to actually attend high school! Hee!

[eilowyn.livejournal.com]

One of my all-time favorite YouTube videos that echoes the sentiment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1glNuQiE77E


My biggest wtf moment? They aired the Daybreakers preview before New Moon. Seriously, if you're a Twilight fan, you prefer your vampires neutered.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

BWha! The vid is awesome!

And LOL about the trailers. Guess someone didn't get the memo about Twiligh Vamps aren't actually... vamps. They're just emo superheroes that sparkle.

[fenderlove.livejournal.com]

Rah-bloody-rah to all of that! I like my vampires to have more bite than Count Chocula. :D

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Or the Jonas Brothers.

[rahirah]

Amen, sister!

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

And can I add -- walk in sunlight? Seriously, Twilight, Vampire Diaries, etc seem intent on getting rid of all of the vampire vulnerabilities. They should just hand them swords and call them Highlander because they've pretty much ceased to be -- y'know -- vampires!

[queenofattolia.livejournal.com]

Date 10th graders (even if they look 23). Seriously, can they expand their dating pool beyond high school?

You know, that's an interesting observation. What's up with this? I mean, I know Whedon is a basically a dirty old man, but why do female writers and readers love the teen girl/vamp "boy" trope so much? Is it because vamps are "beautiful and perfect" (therefore feminine) and penetrate without sex so are "safer" as fantasy objects for teen girls? Is that it? If so - yuck.

That's is why I like True Blood - Sookie is young, but she's not a kid, and she's not afraid to have real sex (and all the attendant consequences).

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Maybe there's a vampire-Lolita syndrome?

And I guess there may be something about the way that early Bram Stoker Dracula thing was very much about containing female sexuality, so maybe it's some form of trying to contain adolescent sexuality? Dunno.

And, yes. Thankfully there are no kids in True Blood (well except the actual kids).

[goodbyebird]

A-bloody-men to the tenth graders bit. I would find it oh so amusing if they could turn that on its head for once. The in love with the teacher trope could prove very interesting(and disturbing, but for all the right reasons), when the student is 100+ years old *g*

I must admit I enjoyed the football bit though. The tackling kinda helped it along ;)

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

Now, see, THAT could be interesting! Heh.

[cy-girl.livejournal.com]

::nods vigorously:: If I were a vampire, I'm sure I could find cooler things to do than go to freakin' high school.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

I mean, what kind of masochistic freak goes back to high school voluntarily?!